Yup that's a HIGH of -13c
A real feel of -35c
And a 'you may die' warning
Who chose Michigan?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
This is why I'm obsessed with the weather
Yup that's a HIGH of -13c
A real feel of -35c
And a 'you may die' warning
Who chose Michigan?
Friday, February 08, 2008
So the race is still on
As Romney freezes his candidacy (in a potential bid to be Vice President, a bold move as McCain hates him but may need the appointment too woo conservatives without turning off independents) the Republican race looks more and more like endorsing the ancient white guy who would be tough on terror and pretty much too old to do much else.
Still McCain has some fight left in him. Some of his best lines
"I'm older than dirt, I've got more scars than Frankenstein, but I've learned a few things along the way."
"I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps.Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?"
The Republican alternative is Huckabee. The man with Chuck Norris and God on his side. The man who believes that every sperm is sacred and that every egg comes with a plan directly from God. He's also pretty big on Creationism and things that are churchy. Which plays well in places where God is all that people have. I have to admit to having quite an affection for Huckabee. Sure he's stark raving bonkers and communing with his invisible friend Jesus much of the time but he has an "am I still in this?" attitude that's refreshing in the cut-throat, second guessing, he said - she said race.
Some of his best quotes to date.
"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!" --speaking to an NRA group
"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop."
"Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office...that's what Jesus would do." --after being asked if Jesus would have supported the death penalty
"Which one?" --to Mitt Romney, after the former Massachusetts governor told him not to try and characterize his position on Iraq
"And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."
"If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
All of the electricty of course is on the other side. When Hillary is one to one she's really impressive. Pulling facts to hand. Explaining plans with real conviction. Engaging. She's human. But put her on a podium and she gets a little still. She grins and gurns and shrugs and generally looks like she's squirming. The shoulders get high. She gets toothy. She looks uncomfortable. And smug.
She's smart though. Best Hillary zingers so far
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." --on the role her husband would play in her administration
"It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush."
"Frankly, Mr. Mayor, I think your new hairstyle is the right way to go. After all, in Washington, the coverup is always worse than the truth." —to Rudy Giuliani, after he gave up his combover
"They asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart."
Then there's Obama. He's light on policy and heavy on hope. Great with a crowd and bad in a debate. He stands like Caesar, with his chin high and his profile on full display. And he has the advantage of being new. He wasn't there when everyone else gave Bush permission to invade Iraq. He wasn't there to ratify tax cuts. He just wasn't there - and that means he's allowed to be right on everything. Which is a huge advange. Whenever there's a protest and the banners come out Hillary is always trying to explain how she ended up on the wrong side - Obama is out waving a placard.
Obama's best lines
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (Watch video clip)
"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon."
"I'm so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse."
On his Democratic Convention speech, in which he said that "we coach Little League in the blue states and we have some gay friends in the red states": "Well, here's an update. Since the election, that gay couple I knew in the red states? They've moved back to the blue states."
"(The pundits) said you can't win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera."
"It's been a great ride. But I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean."
I think that if it's McCain it has to be Obama. It's a youth vs. age thing. It's a man who talks Nickelodeon and Movie Trailers vs one who talks Nickle Freakshows and seeing the first talkies. Just a generation thing.
Against Huckabee I fancy Clinton. She can take him on in the south and I think she can make him look reactionary. We shall see. It's a good race. And cracking TV.
Still McCain has some fight left in him. Some of his best lines
"I'm older than dirt, I've got more scars than Frankenstein, but I've learned a few things along the way."
"I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps.Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?"
The Republican alternative is Huckabee. The man with Chuck Norris and God on his side. The man who believes that every sperm is sacred and that every egg comes with a plan directly from God. He's also pretty big on Creationism and things that are churchy. Which plays well in places where God is all that people have. I have to admit to having quite an affection for Huckabee. Sure he's stark raving bonkers and communing with his invisible friend Jesus much of the time but he has an "am I still in this?" attitude that's refreshing in the cut-throat, second guessing, he said - she said race.
Some of his best quotes to date.
"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!" --speaking to an NRA group
"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop."
"Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office...that's what Jesus would do." --after being asked if Jesus would have supported the death penalty
"Which one?" --to Mitt Romney, after the former Massachusetts governor told him not to try and characterize his position on Iraq
"And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."
"If anybody wants to believe they're the descendants of a primate, they'e welcome to do it." --answering a question about evolution
All of the electricty of course is on the other side. When Hillary is one to one she's really impressive. Pulling facts to hand. Explaining plans with real conviction. Engaging. She's human. But put her on a podium and she gets a little still. She grins and gurns and shrugs and generally looks like she's squirming. The shoulders get high. She gets toothy. She looks uncomfortable. And smug.
She's smart though. Best Hillary zingers so far
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." --on the role her husband would play in her administration
"It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush."
"Frankly, Mr. Mayor, I think your new hairstyle is the right way to go. After all, in Washington, the coverup is always worse than the truth." —to Rudy Giuliani, after he gave up his combover
"They asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart."
Then there's Obama. He's light on policy and heavy on hope. Great with a crowd and bad in a debate. He stands like Caesar, with his chin high and his profile on full display. And he has the advantage of being new. He wasn't there when everyone else gave Bush permission to invade Iraq. He wasn't there to ratify tax cuts. He just wasn't there - and that means he's allowed to be right on everything. Which is a huge advange. Whenever there's a protest and the banners come out Hillary is always trying to explain how she ended up on the wrong side - Obama is out waving a placard.
Obama's best lines
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (Watch video clip)
"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon."
"I'm so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse."
On his Democratic Convention speech, in which he said that "we coach Little League in the blue states and we have some gay friends in the red states": "Well, here's an update. Since the election, that gay couple I knew in the red states? They've moved back to the blue states."
"(The pundits) said you can't win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera."
"It's been a great ride. But I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean."
I think that if it's McCain it has to be Obama. It's a youth vs. age thing. It's a man who talks Nickelodeon and Movie Trailers vs one who talks Nickle Freakshows and seeing the first talkies. Just a generation thing.
Against Huckabee I fancy Clinton. She can take him on in the south and I think she can make him look reactionary. We shall see. It's a good race. And cracking TV.
Not a bad couple of days
First I'm told that I don't have syphilis
Then that I don't have AIDS
And now that my scans are clean and I don't have cancer.
Which is a good thing. Lymphoma's you see usually come back. Especially when they've invaded below the pelvic bone - which mine had. The weird thing is though that Lymphoma is a lot like a package holiday tourist - it often returns to the same spot; but usually will only do that within the first two years. So my scans being 'clear and clean' is a very good thing.
To top everything I found yesterday that the company will give me $1,000 for having bought the car that I did. All I need to do is present my receipt to HR and it's done. Cool. Maybe if I could photocopy it a few times they'd pay for the car out and out.
Gonna have to leave and brave the snow now... but before I do and in the interest of generating some traffic this short February month can I just say (avert your eyes mother) Lindsey Lohan's tits, Paris Hilton Sex Video, Mitt Romney scandal, Britney latest, Heath Ledger shots, Hillary Clinton lesbian, Obama drug, post op tranny, nudie and of course the one that will bring them all in Gordon Brown Speedo
Then that I don't have AIDS
And now that my scans are clean and I don't have cancer.
Which is a good thing. Lymphoma's you see usually come back. Especially when they've invaded below the pelvic bone - which mine had. The weird thing is though that Lymphoma is a lot like a package holiday tourist - it often returns to the same spot; but usually will only do that within the first two years. So my scans being 'clear and clean' is a very good thing.
To top everything I found yesterday that the company will give me $1,000 for having bought the car that I did. All I need to do is present my receipt to HR and it's done. Cool. Maybe if I could photocopy it a few times they'd pay for the car out and out.
Gonna have to leave and brave the snow now... but before I do and in the interest of generating some traffic this short February month can I just say (avert your eyes mother) Lindsey Lohan's tits, Paris Hilton Sex Video, Mitt Romney scandal, Britney latest, Heath Ledger shots, Hillary Clinton lesbian, Obama drug, post op tranny, nudie and of course the one that will bring them all in Gordon Brown Speedo
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Gotta love the latest Britney twist
Okay, so I've been on the "Leave Britney alone" side of the coin. I've cursed Dr Phil and his loose lips. I've pointed out that given the number of photographers who follow her everywhere it's amazing just how infrequently she loses it with them (or runs one over). I've even been known to mention the fact that we've all seen her vagina not just because she sometimes forgets her panties but because when she does there's a cameraman literally lying in the gutter hoping to make a few bucks snapping the Spear's snapper.
And now it seems that I've been on the right side. For it's not Britney's fault that she's barking. It's that of her mad Svengali (didn't he used to manage England?). Here's today's news.
A restraining order against the man who's been at Britney Spears' side during her downward spiral portrays him as a Svengali figure who held her a virtual hostage in her home, drugged her, took over her finances and controlled the paparazzi "like a general."
The order against 33-year-old Sam Lutfi was based on a declaration from Spears' mother who says he "essentially moved into Britney's home and has purported to take control of her life, home and finances."
Lynne Spears' account of a long, chaotic night at Britney's home depicted a drugged and confused pop star being led around by Lutfi, who was setting up pictures for the paparazzi even as she was spinning out of control.
The documents released by the court Tuesday ordered Lutfi to stay away from Spears, her homes, her parents and siblings' homes and the hospital where she is confined for psychiatric evaluation.
On Monday, Lutfi told The Associated Press in a text message: "I have no problems with anyone writing anything negative against me. My image is not of concern, hers is."
Lynne Spears said that Lutfi "drugged Britney, he has cut Britney's home phone lines and removed her cell phone chargers."
She said "Sam has told Britney she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan (Ghalib), her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids and that she does not deserve her kids."
He's alleged to have told Spears' senior "You'd better learn that I control everything, I giving Britney her medications and if I weren't in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself."
He added "'If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave.'"
Lynne Spears described various medications in the house and said Lutfi told her he ground them up and put them in Britney's food to keep her quiet. "He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain."
It's utterly bonkers. As is Britney. More soon.
Okay
So the phone call yesterday was from the hospital. Telling me to call them immediately. Which was weird as they were on the phone. Still they gave me a number for the nurse - who took 2 hrs to get back to me and then told me that the doctor needed to talk with me about the results of my blood tests. And that she's page her. And that a call was unusual. And that it did mean they had an issue.
The doctor called an hour later. Low white blood cell count. Which is a relief as you get elevated counts with lymphoma. And low counts with HIV. Or a viral infection. Or naturally. Nothing to worry about essentially - but could they take another blood test when I didn't have a stinking cold?
There's a lot of chasing and worrying about nothing. But a reminder that death's dark shadow hovers not too far behind me - and that I need to do all that I can to ensure it doesn't catch up. Weirdly I feel as though life today has taken on a "Final Destination" like playfulness. I'm watching out for toasters, rollercoasters and higfh suspense kitchen sequences.
The doctor called an hour later. Low white blood cell count. Which is a relief as you get elevated counts with lymphoma. And low counts with HIV. Or a viral infection. Or naturally. Nothing to worry about essentially - but could they take another blood test when I didn't have a stinking cold?
There's a lot of chasing and worrying about nothing. But a reminder that death's dark shadow hovers not too far behind me - and that I need to do all that I can to ensure it doesn't catch up. Weirdly I feel as though life today has taken on a "Final Destination" like playfulness. I'm watching out for toasters, rollercoasters and higfh suspense kitchen sequences.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
not to be left out
the cat got photogenic a day or two ago... here he is.... and now my phone is ringing and I'm gonna have to log off. more later.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Who said you couldn't get a sheepdog into a Mustang?
Just about everybody in truth. But you can. If you're double jointed, have the ability to reach for the seatbelt whilst repositioning the dog and feeling for the slot into which the seatbelt will clip - without removing the rear seat dog cover and managing to thread the seatbelt through the eyelet atop the dog's 'rear seat vest'
I'd not bother but the idea of a red vested 60lb bullet hurtling into the back of my head at 80mph isn't one that I fancy. Not that I ever DO 80mph of course. That would be naughty. And wrong. And against the law (just)
Actually people here drive pretty sensibly until you get to within 5miles of the city at which point you enter the Judge Dread zone with people accelerating, breaking, changing lanes and revving through 8,000 rpm all at the same time. Leave no gaps, take no prisoners is my advice.
Jude leaves for Belgium this week (non-sequitar?) so it's gonna be me, the dog and a computer. Lots of walks and some serious work on my book. Toby is getting raves for his debut novel (an urban vampire story told in free verse) and I feel rather inspired to get on and write mine. So I will. Cool.
So thinner, more stimulated and with a better walked dog I'll be moving into February with some real momentum (or something)... must stop now before I say "Cadence"
I'd not bother but the idea of a red vested 60lb bullet hurtling into the back of my head at 80mph isn't one that I fancy. Not that I ever DO 80mph of course. That would be naughty. And wrong. And against the law (just)
Actually people here drive pretty sensibly until you get to within 5miles of the city at which point you enter the Judge Dread zone with people accelerating, breaking, changing lanes and revving through 8,000 rpm all at the same time. Leave no gaps, take no prisoners is my advice.
Jude leaves for Belgium this week (non-sequitar?) so it's gonna be me, the dog and a computer. Lots of walks and some serious work on my book. Toby is getting raves for his debut novel (an urban vampire story told in free verse) and I feel rather inspired to get on and write mine. So I will. Cool.
So thinner, more stimulated and with a better walked dog I'll be moving into February with some real momentum (or something)... must stop now before I say "Cadence"
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Things to do in Michigan when it's cold
erm.... lemme think. Nope I'm at a loss. Of course that doesn't mean that we don't do things. So even though Royal Oak turned out to be less frozen Williamsburg and more arctic strip mall with hot dog stores we still managed to get out and abut yesterday. Sure it meant driving 65 miles to see ice sculptors who will be in A2 in a couple of weeks but that didn't matter. Go towards the life is my new motto.
Today we've got brunch with a couple of friends (cooked by another) and then a SuperBowl party (our first). Before that starts I shall look up who's playing, what the pundits are expecting and learn a few key names. Would hate to look as stupid watching this as Americans do watching the World Cup of Foot Soccer.
There's also a 3pm - 6pm meeting at work. I'll not be attending. I've done three quarters (or three fourths if you're in highschool) of the weekends so far and it's time to take a break, put my feet up, eat too many peanuts and generally relax.
Which we've been doing with binge watching sessions of Lost : Season 3. It's been hard avoiding all of the spoilers but as we drain the glasses of Pinot Gris, crank the volume up and set the flames of the fire to 'dangerously close to out of control' things all seem to make sense. Even the Biblical names. The number of guys who have names starting with 'J', the flashbacks that come out of nowhere and the smoke monster that can't go over an invisible fence that Kate managed to climb.
Anyway I hear the sounds of a wife taking Coffee #1. Later all.
Friday, February 01, 2008
hairy commute
there was a time when the words 'expect 10 inches overnight' had a certain Carry On style frisson. These days it means wheel spin, fishtailing up the hill outside of the house and a slow crawl towards the office.
In a way I miss the old JMZ over the Williamsburg bridge. But then again as I crank the heating up and turn the satellite radio to Chris Moyles and radio one it all starts to feel pretty good. I think I even heard a barely grammatical text from my brother read out on the Scott Mills show yesterday. It was from a Gary, it was from my hometown, it was about football and it had the syntax of a low grunt - so I'm assuming it was him.
Superbowl Sunday this weekend - so off to the neighbor's house for beer, chips and much booing at the quality of the ads.
Tonight Ypsilanti, Depot Town, a few drinks and fish and chips at a bar I know. Hurrah!
In a way I miss the old JMZ over the Williamsburg bridge. But then again as I crank the heating up and turn the satellite radio to Chris Moyles and radio one it all starts to feel pretty good. I think I even heard a barely grammatical text from my brother read out on the Scott Mills show yesterday. It was from a Gary, it was from my hometown, it was about football and it had the syntax of a low grunt - so I'm assuming it was him.
Superbowl Sunday this weekend - so off to the neighbor's house for beer, chips and much booing at the quality of the ads.
Tonight Ypsilanti, Depot Town, a few drinks and fish and chips at a bar I know. Hurrah!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A story worth telling....
My friend Gareth is sometimes a little too like me for comfort.
Here's what happened to him when he tried to return a pair of Gap jeans thatsplit across the knee after only 5 days
In his own words
I brought a pair of jeans from the GAP: low-rise bootcut and dark blue, to be precise. I wore them for 5 days. On the fifth day I sat down and the jeans split in 3 places across the left knee leaving a whopping fat gaping hole. I was not happy. I decided to take them back and change them.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the store manager of the GAP branch on Broadway. “You’ll have to ring customer services on Monday. They are open 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday.”
“But I brought them in this store?”
“Like I said you have to ring customer services.”
“But it’s Saturday – I want my jeans replaced”
“Call customer services.”
“Errrrrr errrrr – well, I’ll just stay here ‘til 8am Monday then.”
“If you do that I’ll call the police,” said the manager. With that he was gone - never to resurface during the following 2 hour ‘ordeal’.
The manager left me fuming. I felt like Michael Douglas in ‘Falling Down.’ Something in me snapped. I asked the shop assistant if I could borrow a paper and pen.
At the top of the paper - which happened to be a piece of GAP till paper - I wrote… ‘WE THE UNDERSIGNED, WOULD LIKE ‘GAP’ TO ACCEPT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE POOR WORKMANSHIP ON THE JEANS THAT GARETH BROUGHT AND REPLACE THEM.’
I then proceeded to ask every shopper in the store to sign-it which they did happily wishing me good luck with my campaign.
I had managed to get 4 signatures until the fifth person I asked turned out to be an off duty GAP security guard. Doh.
I was told to stop harassing the customers. “When did I stop being a customer?” I asked. Good question, I thought. The security guard was stumped.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone in the store. So I came up with a new protest plan – I wrote the following on my knobbly knee that was poking out the hole…
‘I BROUGHT THESE JEANS AT GAP AND THEY ARE A BIT RUBBISH.’
I then proceeded to point my knee at every shopper who walked in. It wasn’t as effective as talking to people but it got a few laughs.
I was frustrated. I wanted to steal something – another pair of jeans – but I just knew that was asking for trouble so instead I decided to steal their time. I spoke to every employee who would listen.
“I can’t talk to you.”
“Come on – this is fun - let’s debate, let’s argue.”
But no one would.
“Look I’m being nice about this I’m not getting angry - I’m smiling and being polite. Just think – this is a good story - when you get home tonight you’ll be able to tell your family about the eccentric English guy you met today who refused to leave the store.” The security guard wasn’t amused – in fact he called back-up security from another GAP store nearby. I was surrounded and still I refused to leave.
“This is not about money – the jeans only cost $60 – this is about the principle…. And people die for principles!” I was starting to get a little dramatic. I was on a Shopping Jihad.
Time passed. I’d now been there 90 minutes.
“Would you like to come and stand over here?” said one of the security guards, trying to move me away from the main bit of the store.
“That’s very kind of you to be thinking about my welfare but I’m happy here.” I wasn’t moving anywhere. I was in a prime spot – every shopper who walked in the store could see something was happening and as long as I continued to speak loudly about my predicament to the security guards they all soon found out what was going on without me actually talking directly to anyone.
“I’m sure you have somewhere you need to be,” said one of the other guards.
“That’s very kind of you to be thinking about my welfare but I have nothing else to do today except change these jeans. I have plenty of time.” I lied. I had arranged to meet my friend Caroline and was now 60 minutes late. I’d been keeping her updated with texts.
3:15pm IN GAP HAVIN ARGUMENT MIGHT B L8
3:57pm SURROUNDED BY SECURITY
4:32pm POLICE COMING
That’s right. You read it correctly the police were coming. Security had had enough and they wanted me out the store, pronto. The conversation had gone like this…
“We’re going to call the police if you don’t leave.”
“Call them,” I said calling their bluff.
And they did.
Waiting the 20 minutes for the cops to show was a very long 20 minutes indeed. I could have runoff, but that would be like a suicide bomber leaving his special backpack at home - I was sticking to my guns/backpack and banished all thoughts of ‘oh no they’ll cancel my visa’ from my mind.
When confronted by two New York cops it is hard not to look at anything but their LOADED GUNS.
I tried to intimidate the officers with my finest colonial English.
“Good afternoooooonnnn officers. Pray tell, what are my options on this lovely Saturday afternoon.”
“You either leave or we’ll give you a summons.”
I was guessing that a ‘summons’ wasn’t some kind of American candy bar so I went with the first option and the police officers escorted me off the premises.
GAP had won… for that day at least but I vowed that I would have my revenge.
The officers told me not to go back in the store.
I said OK.
I asked them if they’d pose for a picture to commemorate this event.
They said OK.
“One last thing,” said one of the officers. “I can’t help but notice that you are wearing the jeans you wanted to change – what were you thinking? You don’t wear the clothes you want to change back to the store. Are you mental?”
“No, I’m an Inventor.”
And with that, I leapt onto my bike and cycled off into the sunset to meet Caroline in my jeans with a hole.
Here's what happened to him when he tried to return a pair of Gap jeans thatsplit across the knee after only 5 days
In his own words
I brought a pair of jeans from the GAP: low-rise bootcut and dark blue, to be precise. I wore them for 5 days. On the fifth day I sat down and the jeans split in 3 places across the left knee leaving a whopping fat gaping hole. I was not happy. I decided to take them back and change them.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the store manager of the GAP branch on Broadway. “You’ll have to ring customer services on Monday. They are open 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday.”
“But I brought them in this store?”
“Like I said you have to ring customer services.”
“But it’s Saturday – I want my jeans replaced”
“Call customer services.”
“Errrrrr errrrr – well, I’ll just stay here ‘til 8am Monday then.”
“If you do that I’ll call the police,” said the manager. With that he was gone - never to resurface during the following 2 hour ‘ordeal’.
The manager left me fuming. I felt like Michael Douglas in ‘Falling Down.’ Something in me snapped. I asked the shop assistant if I could borrow a paper and pen.
At the top of the paper - which happened to be a piece of GAP till paper - I wrote… ‘WE THE UNDERSIGNED, WOULD LIKE ‘GAP’ TO ACCEPT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE POOR WORKMANSHIP ON THE JEANS THAT GARETH BROUGHT AND REPLACE THEM.’
I then proceeded to ask every shopper in the store to sign-it which they did happily wishing me good luck with my campaign.
I had managed to get 4 signatures until the fifth person I asked turned out to be an off duty GAP security guard. Doh.
I was told to stop harassing the customers. “When did I stop being a customer?” I asked. Good question, I thought. The security guard was stumped.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone in the store. So I came up with a new protest plan – I wrote the following on my knobbly knee that was poking out the hole…
‘I BROUGHT THESE JEANS AT GAP AND THEY ARE A BIT RUBBISH.’
I then proceeded to point my knee at every shopper who walked in. It wasn’t as effective as talking to people but it got a few laughs.
I was frustrated. I wanted to steal something – another pair of jeans – but I just knew that was asking for trouble so instead I decided to steal their time. I spoke to every employee who would listen.
“I can’t talk to you.”
“Come on – this is fun - let’s debate, let’s argue.”
But no one would.
“Look I’m being nice about this I’m not getting angry - I’m smiling and being polite. Just think – this is a good story - when you get home tonight you’ll be able to tell your family about the eccentric English guy you met today who refused to leave the store.” The security guard wasn’t amused – in fact he called back-up security from another GAP store nearby. I was surrounded and still I refused to leave.
“This is not about money – the jeans only cost $60 – this is about the principle…. And people die for principles!” I was starting to get a little dramatic. I was on a Shopping Jihad.
Time passed. I’d now been there 90 minutes.
“Would you like to come and stand over here?” said one of the security guards, trying to move me away from the main bit of the store.
“That’s very kind of you to be thinking about my welfare but I’m happy here.” I wasn’t moving anywhere. I was in a prime spot – every shopper who walked in the store could see something was happening and as long as I continued to speak loudly about my predicament to the security guards they all soon found out what was going on without me actually talking directly to anyone.
“I’m sure you have somewhere you need to be,” said one of the other guards.
“That’s very kind of you to be thinking about my welfare but I have nothing else to do today except change these jeans. I have plenty of time.” I lied. I had arranged to meet my friend Caroline and was now 60 minutes late. I’d been keeping her updated with texts.
3:15pm IN GAP HAVIN ARGUMENT MIGHT B L8
3:57pm SURROUNDED BY SECURITY
4:32pm POLICE COMING
That’s right. You read it correctly the police were coming. Security had had enough and they wanted me out the store, pronto. The conversation had gone like this…
“We’re going to call the police if you don’t leave.”
“Call them,” I said calling their bluff.
And they did.
Waiting the 20 minutes for the cops to show was a very long 20 minutes indeed. I could have runoff, but that would be like a suicide bomber leaving his special backpack at home - I was sticking to my guns/backpack and banished all thoughts of ‘oh no they’ll cancel my visa’ from my mind.
When confronted by two New York cops it is hard not to look at anything but their LOADED GUNS.
I tried to intimidate the officers with my finest colonial English.
“Good afternoooooonnnn officers. Pray tell, what are my options on this lovely Saturday afternoon.”
“You either leave or we’ll give you a summons.”
I was guessing that a ‘summons’ wasn’t some kind of American candy bar so I went with the first option and the police officers escorted me off the premises.
GAP had won… for that day at least but I vowed that I would have my revenge.
The officers told me not to go back in the store.
I said OK.
I asked them if they’d pose for a picture to commemorate this event.
They said OK.
“One last thing,” said one of the officers. “I can’t help but notice that you are wearing the jeans you wanted to change – what were you thinking? You don’t wear the clothes you want to change back to the store. Are you mental?”
“No, I’m an Inventor.”
And with that, I leapt onto my bike and cycled off into the sunset to meet Caroline in my jeans with a hole.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
American High Schools
I'd never been in an American highschool until last night. And it was weird. Huge and impersonal. With huge gyms and lots of stadium seating. And janitors who walked wordlessly and unwilling to make eye contact alongside you as you moved towards your destination. It all felt very Carrie to me and I understand where a lot of the isolation you hear about comes from. There was something chilly about the building that said 'facility' rather than school,
Photog' class was taught by a nervous Californian with the pallor of someone in their second Michigan winter. The class, motley. An old guy with a hypnotist's beard and a smart attitude that might have explained his being on crutches. An enthusiastic blonde trying to get in some lessons before her big trip to Africa. An old geezer with a film camera that looked to me as though it was a kodak instamatic that would need flash cubes before it would take a picture in the dark and a bunch of others with digi cams in expensive bags that they never got to open as the instructor rattled on about how exposure was like filling a bucket with water, a rare steak and the Golden Triangle of opiate producing countries (or something)
I loved it. Spotting f-stop patterns. Noting that his depth of field equivalent pics weren't (the sun had come out during the last) and generally loving the dissection of internal prisms. The rest spent their time fingering the zippers on their bags.
Still in two weeks we have a critique session and next week the promise of shots outside if the weather breaks -10c. We shall see.
Photog' class was taught by a nervous Californian with the pallor of someone in their second Michigan winter. The class, motley. An old guy with a hypnotist's beard and a smart attitude that might have explained his being on crutches. An enthusiastic blonde trying to get in some lessons before her big trip to Africa. An old geezer with a film camera that looked to me as though it was a kodak instamatic that would need flash cubes before it would take a picture in the dark and a bunch of others with digi cams in expensive bags that they never got to open as the instructor rattled on about how exposure was like filling a bucket with water, a rare steak and the Golden Triangle of opiate producing countries (or something)
I loved it. Spotting f-stop patterns. Noting that his depth of field equivalent pics weren't (the sun had come out during the last) and generally loving the dissection of internal prisms. The rest spent their time fingering the zippers on their bags.
Still in two weeks we have a critique session and next week the promise of shots outside if the weather breaks -10c. We shall see.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
So here's a question for you
I'm looking to shoot something that I think is electric (photographically shoot that is). Something that acts as an emotional amplifier. Something that crackles with energy. That fizzes and buzzes like an old neon sign. Something that heightens and confuses the senses. That's synaesthetic - that has colors you can hear and a look that you can taste. It needs to be something that draws some people towards it whilst repelling others. Something that some people just have to touch.
(Guess who just started a photography class)
Thing is I know exactly the feel that I want but I don't have an object. I thought about the Van DeGraff kind of thing but that feels old. There was one in a bar that I loved in the shape of a naked woman but that too feels a little obvious. I need a mix of sharpness and saturation. And a hint of inspiration.
Anyone have any ideas? (I so wanna finish top of the class)
(Guess who just started a photography class)
Thing is I know exactly the feel that I want but I don't have an object. I thought about the Van DeGraff kind of thing but that feels old. There was one in a bar that I loved in the shape of a naked woman but that too feels a little obvious. I need a mix of sharpness and saturation. And a hint of inspiration.
Anyone have any ideas? (I so wanna finish top of the class)
Monday, January 28, 2008
Done with it
So - the great big meeting in the small white room is done with.
I now have the permission I need to go mad.
And the stick I need to drive people to madness.
This is a good thing.
We're about to set off to do something new. And of course people are terrified. Which again is a good thing.
It's make or break. Do or die. Blah de blah. And I have to say that I'm finding it all rather stimulating. Oh not the 7 day weeks or the 7am phone calls from clients. And not the 7 meetings each yielding 7 new points on the 77 things to be done before 7/7. But the thought that I've now positioned in a way that means we do new things or die. The sword of Damocles and all that.
Anyway - I have a call to make and the fear of wind to put up God
I now have the permission I need to go mad.
And the stick I need to drive people to madness.
This is a good thing.
We're about to set off to do something new. And of course people are terrified. Which again is a good thing.
It's make or break. Do or die. Blah de blah. And I have to say that I'm finding it all rather stimulating. Oh not the 7 day weeks or the 7am phone calls from clients. And not the 7 meetings each yielding 7 new points on the 77 things to be done before 7/7. But the thought that I've now positioned in a way that means we do new things or die. The sword of Damocles and all that.
Anyway - I have a call to make and the fear of wind to put up God
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Glamor?
There have been those that have accused me of being a 'glamor whore' - more interested in the glittery surface of parties than in meeting any of the people involved. Well last night I headed for a Raccoon Hunting Club, driving down a snow covered wooded lane toward the sound of banjos to enjoy a bluegrass band.
And it was all rather fun. Okay so the room was thick with smoke, the raffle seemed to be rigged and rather than offering milk in the 50c coffee they squeezed an old guys artery directly into the cup (quicker than waiting for the other alternative, half and half, to congeal)
I talked to the locals. I watched in horror as a woman who looked like a reanimated corpse in one of Dolly Parton's long dead wigs clog danced, I grew misty eyed as the old couple rocked a Johnny and June Carter Cash song on stage and I took lots and lots of pictures.
Hell I nearly signed up for the $7 rabies shots and the 20mm shooting range. Fun though,
And it was all rather fun. Okay so the room was thick with smoke, the raffle seemed to be rigged and rather than offering milk in the 50c coffee they squeezed an old guys artery directly into the cup (quicker than waiting for the other alternative, half and half, to congeal)
I talked to the locals. I watched in horror as a woman who looked like a reanimated corpse in one of Dolly Parton's long dead wigs clog danced, I grew misty eyed as the old couple rocked a Johnny and June Carter Cash song on stage and I took lots and lots of pictures.
Hell I nearly signed up for the $7 rabies shots and the 20mm shooting range. Fun though,
Something tells me
that bluegrass night at the Romulus raccoon Hunter's Club wasn't exactly Jude's thing
I'm only blogging this
So that I can steal the image....
Sorry all (oh for a mac and it's naughty GRAB tool)
Sorry all (oh for a mac and it's naughty GRAB tool)
Friday, January 25, 2008
No entry yesterday
or today really.... but a blockbuster coming.
Right now it's -17c, I'm late for work and the clock is ticking
More this weekend though
Ok managed to grab a quick 10 minutes to myself and thought that I ought to explain my absence from 'ver net', scrabbulous and life in general. The thing is that I work for a BIG company now. And BIG companies have lots of people. All of whom like to see things. And voice opinions. And generally be involved. Which is good because many of them are smart. And bad because it means lots and lots of meeting time and very little working time.
I've taken to hiding in our cafeteria (the smell of old oil, cigarettes and what I hope is cabbage keeps most people away) and tippety typing away on whatever needs updating. It's working to date - though there are account guys out there their own hair under their fingernails (solve that one CSI)
Still things chugging along and have an invitation to visit the woods in search of a banjo player tonight (genuinely)... will let you know how it went (gulp)
Right now it's -17c, I'm late for work and the clock is ticking
More this weekend though
Ok managed to grab a quick 10 minutes to myself and thought that I ought to explain my absence from 'ver net', scrabbulous and life in general. The thing is that I work for a BIG company now. And BIG companies have lots of people. All of whom like to see things. And voice opinions. And generally be involved. Which is good because many of them are smart. And bad because it means lots and lots of meeting time and very little working time.
I've taken to hiding in our cafeteria (the smell of old oil, cigarettes and what I hope is cabbage keeps most people away) and tippety typing away on whatever needs updating. It's working to date - though there are account guys out there their own hair under their fingernails (solve that one CSI)
Still things chugging along and have an invitation to visit the woods in search of a banjo player tonight (genuinely)... will let you know how it went (gulp)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dog's life?
Man it was cold this morning.
And the drive was long.
And work is charging towards a weekend that sees me doing two Sunday meetings.
And I really wanted to have breakfast with my wife this morning instead of heading out into the greyness.
Yet life is good. I don't know why. It just is. Bonkers, huh?
I will write a decent blog entry soon - I know that these things used to be amusing (I went back and re-read stuff, is that vanity?) or at least filled with actual news. Trouble is all that I'm working on is secret and all that I'm doing is working. Catch 4.69
And the drive was long.
And work is charging towards a weekend that sees me doing two Sunday meetings.
And I really wanted to have breakfast with my wife this morning instead of heading out into the greyness.
Yet life is good. I don't know why. It just is. Bonkers, huh?
I will write a decent blog entry soon - I know that these things used to be amusing (I went back and re-read stuff, is that vanity?) or at least filled with actual news. Trouble is all that I'm working on is secret and all that I'm doing is working. Catch 4.69
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Slow going
It might just be the winter but everything today feels like wading through molasses.
Woke up to about a half inch of snow. Which is death for the traffic as it doesn't trigger clean up squads and people in Michigan know better than to move faster than 30mph in the uncleared snow.
Left early and got to the office at around 8am; the office was empty as most people are still out crawling through the traffic created by the 'not enough snow' or fishtailing their way back.
Then there's the document that I'm working on. It's getting there. And I know that there's more to a presentation than just being right but this; well this seems to be moving towards perfection a colon at a time - if only there were stimulants for Powerpoint decks.
And now I'm waiting for people to arrive. For a client schedule to clear. And for permission to go ahead and brief this thing. But, like spring, it's coming and that feels good.
Woke up to about a half inch of snow. Which is death for the traffic as it doesn't trigger clean up squads and people in Michigan know better than to move faster than 30mph in the uncleared snow.
Left early and got to the office at around 8am; the office was empty as most people are still out crawling through the traffic created by the 'not enough snow' or fishtailing their way back.
Then there's the document that I'm working on. It's getting there. And I know that there's more to a presentation than just being right but this; well this seems to be moving towards perfection a colon at a time - if only there were stimulants for Powerpoint decks.
And now I'm waiting for people to arrive. For a client schedule to clear. And for permission to go ahead and brief this thing. But, like spring, it's coming and that feels good.
Monday, January 21, 2008
New York, ahhh New York
So the weekend in New Yorek flew by. We saw friends. We marvelled at just home much had changed in Williamsburg in the last 6 weeks (5 new restaurants, 4 new bars), we managed not to get tickets for Chez Duckie, Emo or the celebrity Scrabble but we did manage to fill our suitcases with warm clothes, warm up a little (though things got cold later in the weekend) and generally top up on interesting.
Walking back into minus 16.5c was a bit of a shocker but the car started first time, the roads were empty and I found out how to chnage the color settings on the car's speedo - so not all was dire.
At work today (even though it's a holiday ) in a bid to catch up with all that I missed while I was away. Feels weird being the only car in the car park - especially as there are usually people in late and at weekends. Might just be that I'm in EARLY on a holiday. Getting hungry too.... time to make a raid on the vending machines (do we have any?)
More (and pics) when I get home.
The pic (btw) is Detroit
Walking back into minus 16.5c was a bit of a shocker but the car started first time, the roads were empty and I found out how to chnage the color settings on the car's speedo - so not all was dire.
At work today (even though it's a holiday ) in a bid to catch up with all that I missed while I was away. Feels weird being the only car in the car park - especially as there are usually people in late and at weekends. Might just be that I'm in EARLY on a holiday. Getting hungry too.... time to make a raid on the vending machines (do we have any?)
More (and pics) when I get home.
The pic (btw) is Detroit
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