No cancer yet

So once again the Doctor repeated his "you're boring" refrain and I have to say that it's one that I quite like.

It seems the coughing, the swollen glands, the exhaustion and all of the other maladies really are just colds, allergies and too much time online when I ought to be in bed. Who'd have thought?

I'm not sure why I entered into this one with such a sense of 'something is wrong' when the others I've viewed as inconvenient and expensive but unlikely to throw anything up. It's odd that I can read the motivation of other people so easily (when I can be bothered to look for it) but that I remain a mystery to myself.

Best theory is that this has been the first time since treatment that we've been making long term plans. Michigan was only ever a two year gig. Before that we were planning for a move here. Now Jude's looking at a move that could be permanent and I'm thinking how nice it would be to be in one place, for a long time. Of course the idea of long term is threatened by the ever present specter of early death - and the very real possibility that I might need specialist treatment in the next few years. So scans represent a threat to a future that I'm wanting to plan. Sound plausible? Good.

Anyway have to dash - the dog is back from daycare and I want to spend some time with her

In reception

Hotel Roger Smith
Originally uploaded by tgtsfkncld

I'm standing in the reception of the Roger Smith hotel after a farcical scan (everything got blocked, leaked, broke down) and a nice dinner with an old friend.

Jude is stuck in Chicago. Stranded by bad weather and about to be 5 hrs late for job interviews tomorrow. She's coping better than I am. She's better at the Doris Day attitude than I am.

Results in the morning - rather worried by the whispered 'good luck' from the radiologist today. But then I'm pretty freaked generally. Time for bed I think.

The things that shape our perception

Nightmares
Originally uploaded by timsamoff

Tomorrow I have my first CT scan in 6 months. And it's doing scary things to me. The cough that I have is no longer allergies, it's cancer. The tiredness that I feel at the end of the day is no longer a long day - it's exhaustion. The glands that I feel swollen are no longer just fighting off a cold - they're the first sign of cancer.

It's weird. I knew that 3 month scans would show up cancer before I had a chance to feel its effects. 6 month scans I'm not so sure about. But it's not that uncertainty that bothers me.

What bothers me is that whatever I'm doing there's this shadow of doubt hanging somewhere. We're planning for the future at the moment... where next? what next? when do we move? And the whole time I'm thinking "... if this test is clear" or "damn wouldn't an It's Back diagnosis ruin these plans"

I guess that once you've learned that life has a habit of tripping you up and kicking you in the rubbery bits you come to expect a storm whenever the seas start to look inviting.

Thank god the scans are tomorrow - this hyper awareness is killing me

First snow

First snow
Originally uploaded by Kirill Tryaskin

We got our first snow yesterday. Light but icy. The kind that looks pretty then turns roads to icy death as it lands and becomes an invisible, smooth diamond of inky blackness.

Was fun to watch, less fun to be in and has made travel today all the more exciting.

Suddenly the thought of Singapore - even a rainy season Singapore - is becoming a whole lot more attractive

If you're looking for a way to show an idea

the this website (actually this page) is genius

The things that we hate the most

Can you tell we're moving?
Originally uploaded by Oinster

Our landlord is coming over today to make a video of the place that he can then use to sell it - meaning that we're going to have to move before we move (in June)

As a result we're doing the 'pre-move' dance and throwing away anything that's been in a box, closet or drawer unused, unread or unloved for more than 6 months.

I'd like to say that it was liberating and that the 'out with the old spirit' was something that filled us with hope but it's actually an exercise in reducing the cost of moving by throwing away things that you might actually want to keep. And it's especially hard to do when the move is small.

Gimme a flight of more than 5 hrs and this kinda thing is okay. Don't and we're in flux again. And flux sucks.