it's amazing what happens when you allow yourself to lose the stiff upper lip. I've spent the day terrorizing other people with tales of my mood and of how I feel about almost everything. It's a wonder friends aren't running for the bunker.
Conversations ran for hours rather than minutes. I held eye contact. I freaked people out. And a weird thing happened. I started to notice things. The rats in the park with McDonald's wrappers in their mouths. The tiny spider caught in the glass of one of our pictures at home (Jude tells me it's been there forever). People on the train.
I feel alive and raw and vulnerable and strangely manic. I feel alert and full not just of noble intentions but a real sense of urgency - a real need to get things done. It's as though a heavy gauze has been lifted and I'm shocked by just how alive and vibrant the world is. I wish I could say that this was due to medication (legal or otherwise) but it's not. It's just about opening up and learning to be more open.
So if any of you call or see me over the next few days don't be surprised if I laugh louder, ask you about a mole that you've had for years or if I ask you very personal questions whilst staring at you with real intent. I'm not having a breakdown. I'm not high. Or drunk. Or possessed. I'm just feeling very alive. And that (despite appearances) is a godo thing.
Friday, October 12, 2007
72 Baps Connie
There's an old Victoria Wood sketch that shows just how emotionally distant the British are as a race. Two women talking and it becomes apparent that one has just (and only just) had her husband die
"What are you going to do?" asks the friend
"72 Baps Connie, I'll slice you butter" says the recently widowed one.
It's a better sketch than that - but not a truer one. As a race the British tend to true to solve a related problem rather than deal with the emotion of the issue at hand. It's about control of course. I think. So maybe not 'of course'
It's this emotional distance that gives us the famed "stiff upper lip" and it's why the world was stunned when Diana's death was greeted with an outpouring of emotion and a bashing for the one person (the Queen) who behaved like a Brit through it all. It's why the world wasn't stunned when 9/11 sent America into therapy but the British bombings sent Londoners determinedly to subway stops accross the capital complaining only about the delays.
Why am I wittering on about this. Because being British is fine until disaster after disaster heaps upon you - then reserve and resolve become quiet desperation and emptiness and you end up in the potting shed with your wicker work and a bottle of Barbiturates.
So I've decide to take Ikea's advice to "Stop being so British" and instead to be a little more in touch, if no more touchy feely. So watch out all you may find me strangely connected to the world.
"What are you going to do?" asks the friend
"72 Baps Connie, I'll slice you butter" says the recently widowed one.
It's a better sketch than that - but not a truer one. As a race the British tend to true to solve a related problem rather than deal with the emotion of the issue at hand. It's about control of course. I think. So maybe not 'of course'
It's this emotional distance that gives us the famed "stiff upper lip" and it's why the world was stunned when Diana's death was greeted with an outpouring of emotion and a bashing for the one person (the Queen) who behaved like a Brit through it all. It's why the world wasn't stunned when 9/11 sent America into therapy but the British bombings sent Londoners determinedly to subway stops accross the capital complaining only about the delays.
Why am I wittering on about this. Because being British is fine until disaster after disaster heaps upon you - then reserve and resolve become quiet desperation and emptiness and you end up in the potting shed with your wicker work and a bottle of Barbiturates.
So I've decide to take Ikea's advice to "Stop being so British" and instead to be a little more in touch, if no more touchy feely. So watch out all you may find me strangely connected to the world.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
careful out there
Lunch and dinner with (different) headhunters today - and another called yesterday morning. My brain (for the picking) seems to be in much demand. Hopefully this time they'll make enough in placements to pay me a decent commission. Enough to pay the moving costs anyway - went with middle estimate of $5124
Have a feeling I'm gonna get hosed later - but for now I'm happy with that one.
Well lunch waits for no man - and have two things to write between overpriced meals so I'll dash for the door, take the stairs rather than the elevator and finish this later
Have a feeling I'm gonna get hosed later - but for now I'm happy with that one.
Well lunch waits for no man - and have two things to write between overpriced meals so I'll dash for the door, take the stairs rather than the elevator and finish this later
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a real williamsburg night
it's 1am and I'm just in.
My friend mike and I went out and ended up at a bar with an Opera diva bar tender, a "turning 50 at midnight" old queen with a penchant for conspiracy, a Farsi beauty with startling insight - and a huge number of people from Cleveland.
We talksed about Devo, Bowie as an alien soul, living in the outer suburbs of Sydney, emotional honesty, giving a gorilla hand relief and sexual attraction as an energy level.
And it was fun. I left the bar with a website www.absolute0.com, two numbers (farsi woman and her friend) memories of dancing to Peggy Lee and a reminder that I am still actually a modicum of fun (I thought that I was funny and charming and relaxed and carefree tonight; that might be me through beer goggles however)
All in all a very good vening. Now for 5 hrs sleep and an early conference call
My friend mike and I went out and ended up at a bar with an Opera diva bar tender, a "turning 50 at midnight" old queen with a penchant for conspiracy, a Farsi beauty with startling insight - and a huge number of people from Cleveland.
We talksed about Devo, Bowie as an alien soul, living in the outer suburbs of Sydney, emotional honesty, giving a gorilla hand relief and sexual attraction as an energy level.
And it was fun. I left the bar with a website www.absolute0.com, two numbers (farsi woman and her friend) memories of dancing to Peggy Lee and a reminder that I am still actually a modicum of fun (I thought that I was funny and charming and relaxed and carefree tonight; that might be me through beer goggles however)
All in all a very good vening. Now for 5 hrs sleep and an early conference call
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Big wedding anniversary
We have a wedding anniversary coming up. It's ten years since we got married and 15 since we 'got together'. 10 years in ye olden times was your tin anniversary. It says a lot that the modern gift is something made of diamond. Too much actually. Maybe I can buy Jude a drill bit - something practical and diamondy.
The truth is it's an anniversary that we're avoiding. Everyone wants to know what we're doing and how we're celebrating and the truth is that we're doing very little, both at work a couple of hundred miles away from each other and both determined that 10 years doesn't become a noose - the marriage equivalent of a 30th birthday.
It's been really tough not having Jude around the last couple of weeks - perhaps accounting for the brevity and general lack of enthusiasm in my posts. We've been apart before of course, lots of times but this time she's so close and I'm so near to being able to join her that it actually hurts. I'd have loved to have been there for more than just visits and to have had ten years mark the beginning of something. A new apartment, a new job, something new that we were embarking on together.
I'd also have loved to have woken up this morning 15lbs lighter, with better defined abs, American white teeth, hair and the ability to speak Dutch (I'm using Rosetta Stone to get me toward the last one)
But it's not to be just yet and so we soldier on and I try to think of a gift that's both swooningly romantic and non-fattening. I was thinking Vegas baby
The truth is it's an anniversary that we're avoiding. Everyone wants to know what we're doing and how we're celebrating and the truth is that we're doing very little, both at work a couple of hundred miles away from each other and both determined that 10 years doesn't become a noose - the marriage equivalent of a 30th birthday.
It's been really tough not having Jude around the last couple of weeks - perhaps accounting for the brevity and general lack of enthusiasm in my posts. We've been apart before of course, lots of times but this time she's so close and I'm so near to being able to join her that it actually hurts. I'd have loved to have been there for more than just visits and to have had ten years mark the beginning of something. A new apartment, a new job, something new that we were embarking on together.
I'd also have loved to have woken up this morning 15lbs lighter, with better defined abs, American white teeth, hair and the ability to speak Dutch (I'm using Rosetta Stone to get me toward the last one)
But it's not to be just yet and so we soldier on and I try to think of a gift that's both swooningly romantic and non-fattening. I was thinking Vegas baby
Monday, October 08, 2007
all a bit cold and empty really
so back in New York and busy as all hell at work. The sun is shining. There are a million and one packing things to be done and yet I still feel in limbo. This weekend showed just how quickly Jude can build a new life. New people, new challenges, new stuff all over the place and here I am feeling trapped in the same old, same old. Time for me to get off my ass and do some things. Where I do them is what's open for question. But it has to start somewhere and it will start today, in New York where I'm actually having a script meeting on a possible kids TV show. Cool
Sunday, October 07, 2007
a strange kind of doom
it's october. in michigan. we've been told to wrap up warm. last night at a party on guest brought hot chocolate. over on campus there was an "80s Sweater and Hot Cider" night going on. It's supposed to be cold. But it's not. Today it's 33c and the sunshine is spectacular. Yesterday was similar. This, of course, is not a good thing in terms of environment. But it's warm and people like warm. So we're wishing away impending doom and floating on the scented breeze of impending disaster. Global Cooling methinks would have more of a groundswell of public opinion behind it. Just an early morning thought is all.
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