The mood darkens

Quite the change in tone here in the last 48 hrs huh?

Well yesterday I lost my job
Today I got hit with a $16,000 tax bill
Sunday I shall do as the Lord doth command and rest
Monday I talk to lawyers to see whether we'll be deported

Then it's a flight to New York to talk potential new role
Before coming back to the poorhouse - okay, okay the poor loft - to work things out.

Only real concern is the Visa as it would mean Jude also getting the boot.
It would also send us off on a 3 month - round the world adventure that might prove to be ill-planned

We shared lunch today... how long before we have to?

Another day, another life experience

I lost my job today. Well when I say I lost it, rather it was eliminated. I wasn't expecting it - which given the economy and the fact that the people I'm working for are cutting huge swathes of employees was pretty stupid. And so walking into a room that had the head of department and a strange woman wasn't ominous at all. You see I was looking to negotiate by disappearance from the company.

We're moving in June to Montreal; I was hoping to work through to May and then take a bit of a break before starting to look for something interesting to do up there. I'd been open with everyone about this and that had been my "downfall"... the company was looking to lose people, I was leaving anyway why not bring the two dates together.

I'm glad actually that I was honest. Because it means that someone who needs the job for their family gets to stay in it - and that I have a month with no income to worry about. That's not really a big deal in the scheme of things - we've made enough, saved enough and have put ourselves into a position where that kind of thing isn't really a worry.

Plus I'm meeting with people in a different office of this company next week to talk about an arrangement that is close to my dream job. That was always planned. Things have been moving along and Thursday / Friday may see us seal the deal on that. So it may well be that I end up doing exactly what I've always wanted to do, with the people that I like most in the company, owning a slice of my own life again and working from wherever in the world that I want to work. Just wish that I'd had that meeting today rather than next week, timing is off but hey, better position than most people, huh?

The object of my affection

I'm really wanting to buy the old Minolta Beercan lens. It's well built, pretty sharp, good in low light and has a decent range. Once I have it in the bag I'm pretty much covered for most occasions.

Of course a friend had told me to buy the camera body only. That once I'd sniffed out a decent old Minolta lens I'd sneer at the included Sony Kit lenses - with their lightweight construction and use of plastic. I bought the kit lenses anyway - they were part of a deal that meant that they were very close to free... but he was right. I have two Minolta lenses at the moment and I'm looking to add a third.

They have great color. The build quality is good. And they're faster than the included Sony lenses, while being a lot cheaper than G series or Zeiss lenses. This will be the last lens for a while and I'm currently trying to outsmart the people in E-Bay in a bidding war that's pyschological as well as being about being willing to pay more.

It's a big old lens. And it's heavy. But it would be the last one that I needed. And in a world were size and weight are second only to provenance it will buy me acceptance - or at least end the questioning.

6 hrs to the end of the auction... how high should I go? Prices are through the roof at the moment - part reputation, part Sony DSLR taking off, part rarity, part seller greed, part buyer stupidity. I'm just too late for bargains, but just the right side of investment.

What to blog about...

These days I'm finding it hard to keep my mind straight enough to Tweet, let alone to blog.

Part of this is down to pain - and to the drugs that have come along with the pain.
Part is a winter hibernation in Michigan
Part is this is the large part of me that's permanently distracted by the thought that I could be out taking pictures.
Part is the fact that the next 4 months are limbo months - we move in June; what before then?
Part is a temporary lull in the workload
Part is passing 1000 posts here

Some is having the computer upstairs and the people and things I love downstairs
And a large part is me still self censoring.

A couple of trips on the horizon may help change that.
Let us see....

Time for implants

I've mentioned here before that there's nothing more shaming than opening a British mouth to an American dentist. In fact I think that in the 1001 posts on this blog (yup we're up to 1001, how many have you read?) I've mentioned just about everything, but the dentist is a reoccurring one.

Well this week has been one of emergency dental treatment. It started when I went to see the hygienist. As she scrubbed I noticed that the bridge I have back left was loose. She sent me to a dentist. He removed the bridge using some weird old equipment and a pair of pliers



Under it he found one tooth that was decayed. So he filled it, replaced the bridge and made appointments for longer term solutions to be discussed.

Sunday hit and agony. Temperature hurt. Pressure hurt. My ears ached. I paced. I swore. I lost focus. I downed hard to get Codene. Youch. And double ouch. And aye-yeye-arggghhhh.

So today I go back - we remove the bridge again. Root canal, temporary rebuild, warning that it's going to hurt like hell post anesthetic, and then an appointment to discuss implants. Which cost between $3,000 and $10,000 a tooth but will last longer than me and 'survive cremation'. That appointment is March 10th.

Come back to look at implants and find this image which I have to say I rather like. There's something about hellboy implants that makes me think 'hell yeah'...

Does that make me odd? Probably. But hey if you're going to get silicon chest implants why not get ones that get you noticed.

It's also a great motivator to stay in shape... you're going to want to show that body off.

Anyway that's been my day - pain, dentist, gym, queasiness, internet, nausea, blog.

Feverish Scribbling

I'm finally sitting down to write my book.

Well actually it's taking shape in a weird way.

It's a book on Advertising Shapes - the 20 shapes that can get people to look at a problem again and with a fresh set of eyes

It could be why it's wrong to look for insight, or new places to look

It could be looking again at how conversations work or deciding that it's time for a little less conversation, a little more action.

So I started by writing the titles of the 20 slides - in powerpoint
I then went back and changed each one - making them a tad more interesting

Once I'd done that - and still in powerpoint - I wrote the single paragraph synopsis of the idea.

I then printed that out and hand drew the diagram that explained the synopsis.

After which I added some pictures and presented to a bunch of people.
Tape recorded that as it was full of annecdotes and examples that I'd forgotten I had.

Added those to the powerpoint

E-mailed the audience for other examples that helped prove my points.
Added those.

Am about to post the whole thing to a planning board - to get more feedback.
After which I'll take it all to Word.

An odd way of working - but it is working and I should have a draft within a month.
Cool.

What life looks like

More snow here at the moment
And temperatures plummeting down into the negative teens again
Roads not gritted
Sidewalks just murderous
And the town shrouded in boredom

Not great...

mouth full of crap

Just back from the dentist who mused "I've never seen someone with dental hygiene this good and teeth this bad":

Luckily a big part of what he was talking about was the dental work that I had done in the UK - lots of things that were made to a size and then drilled to fit, or put in at odd angles and cemented with the kind of toxic materials that are now related to blood cancers (go figure)

Unfortunately one bit that needs to be fixed is a tooth that was under a bridge. It's not in good shape, meaning that the foundation for the bridge is also shaky. So I have an appointment to see some people who will look at the possibility of implants (an 8 month process) as well as at other reconstructive options. Not cheap, but then when it comes to being able to eat, smile and talk neither am I.

More fun was last night's Sketchy... marvelous. As evidenced (partially) by this picture.

Sketchy's

I'm off to a Dr Sketchy's tonight.

It should be a lot of fun; I'm hoping so anyway.

Saw some great new products from a client today - kinda artistically related and so I'm feeling pretty much ready for a drawing / photo adventure. Should be good.

Other than that things are moving at glacial pace but gathering momentum - that's the thing about inertia; you just need to put your back into the intitial shove and you're away.

Tired though. Late nights and 5.30 mornings (for the gym) slowly taking their toll and the bags under my eyes are looking more and more permanent.

Okay - time to pack up for art... the pic here btw is called "And then he left" and I have to say that despite its roughness I rather like it

Excited....

So with a trip to Japan coming up and with photos now running in my veins I think that I've come up with a really nice idea for a photo shoot.

I shoot Detroit models in the classic Harajuku style (like this)









and then go to Japan and try to arrange to shoot Japanese models in the classic Motown style... like this


>






I already have the person who did this makeup onboard...




So I'm about ready to roll... have to be in New York first weekend in March - so shoot set for second weekend

Meanwhile am shooting a blind, motown icon for a website... alles gut....

Me happy

Montreal

Over shadowed
Originally uploaded by stevenjude

Well we're back from Montreal - which was cold but proved to be a real city. Now I hate being in a new place with a person that's also new to a place... basically because I love to introduce people to things; and when I don't know anything that becomes a real issue for me. I get frustrated. And edgy. And pretty hard to be around as I assume responsibility for a role that I know I shouldn't be playing.

Luckily Judith gave me a kick half way through the day and we downed the guidebooks, eased the pace and had a much nicer rest of the day (and next day) wandering, partaking in pastries, drinking wine and generally taking it easy.

It's not a bad place at all. Okay so the B&B that I chose seemed to be on the Rue De Poo. And had no door on the bathroom, which was kinda weird. And yes the restaurant that I chose for Valentine's day proved to be the one place that Judith had been to. And was having some kind of alarm go off every 30 seconds. But we got up, left and were somewhere cooler after 5 mins of walking. A sign of a good place.

Plus we saw some areas that would be interesting bases as places to live. We ate some good food at a reasonable price. We saw interesting shopping. And I found the mags that have the stuff that I'd love to see.

So not a bad trip at all. Just a cold one. Brrrrrrrr.

Getting ready for Montreal

We're off to Canada for the weekend. A COLD weekend no doubt. Looking at -13c; which means packing the hat, gloves and unfashionable coat. But it should be good, the city is supposed to be swinging, the people French, the food good and the entertainment on tap and within walking distance.

Trying to get out all of my pics before I leave and finding that they're much improved in the post-process (a skill that I'm lacking but learning... I could grow to like this

Itches to scratch

Looking at my pictures I've kinda confirmed that my niche is portraits. Now that might just be because they're easy, technically. Or it might be because I love faces. I'm not really sure which. And I'm not going to try to work it out. From here out I'll take what I take and see what happens. But I have an itch now. I want to shoot more. And then more. And then some more. I'm greedy for models. Hungry for venues. And I have a million images in my head. Busy months ahead, I hope.

Dearth of posts

There haven't been too many posts on here recently. I apologize for that. Kinda. You see the thing is that I started this blog in an attempt to keep people up to date with my health and treatment through the cancer thing. It was a selfish move, I was kinda sick of repeating 'no news' to everyone who called and e-mailed, so the blog was a noticeboard.

Over time though it changed. First it became a place to explore how I was feeling first about treatment and then about life. It forced me to put down the facts of what was happening and in doing so lay myself open to the feelings that those facts brought up. I had a couple of rules. Be honest. If you have to self censor don't post. And write for yourself rather than for an imagined audience (other than Dakota Fanning's agent)

Which brings me to the reason that I haven't posted recently. You see I posted a blog that someone didn't like. It wasn't offensive. It didn't libel anyone. It didn't use images of them that weren't already posted. It just told the truth, as I saw it (you can only do that) about a relationship. And then when challenged about it, I took it down. Completely violating every rule I had about this blog and rendering it invalid as a history of my thoughts at the time. I made the stupid mistake of appeasing someone rather than staying true to the reason for doing this. And in doing so I robbed it of integrity, just tearing its heart out.

All of which sounds quite lofty. It is after all not a blog of much consequence. It's rarely deep. It's often empty headed. Too often it's just fluff in the ether. But that just means that I should fight harder to keep the personal stuff in there. And I will. Or I'll give this up. But no more deleting the posts that people don't like. Especially when they're the ones that are most true.

Who knew?

Your place or mine?
Originally uploaded by stevenjude

I posted this on Flickr yesterday. It's still a little clean looking and I intend to yellow it ip a little but I liked the idea of somebody modeling urinals and besides it's where the poor girl had to change. So not a great image but it has attracted some interesting groups... "girls using urinals" seems to be a whole area of the web that has hitherto escaped me. And I can't say that I'm sorry.

It seems that when it comes to pictures and the internet the really money is in the margins. The narrower your niche the more the people are willing to pay. Not that I'm being paid.

Which brings me to the question I was asked. "Why pay for gas to get to an event, then pay an entry - just to take pics that you're not going to sell or publish?"

The answer is two-fold. The easy one is that I want to get better at this photography thing. And the best way to do that is to take more pictures. So I'll do whatever I need to be out there taking pictures.

That of course begs the question - "but why do you want to take pictures?" - which is altogether more complicated. I guess that the easiest anyswer is that it's the quickest way to get what I have in my head into the world. Not that I ever had this shot in my head. It was an improvisation. And that's what I like. Just having to think. To be responsible for an idea from beginning to end. To have to sell the idea to a model (who is also working for free) and then adjust as they bring their thoughts and experiences to bear on it.

I loved this weekend. Two of my models had no experience. So we made it informal. We laughed some. I moved them around. We tried things. Two were experienced - so we got the shots fast then just relaxed and had some fun. One was up for something new but caught in what she usually does, so we started big and dialled back.

But other stuff happened too. The hotel had no electric sockets on any of the floors we used. So I lost my lights. My flash lost its feet so I couldn't mount it on a tripod. The areas with good natural light were booked by people who'd used paypal - so I was either flooded or in the dark.

But we coped. We got some shots. We left feeling more creative than the people we passed on the street and in the knowledge that the world now had more art in it - even if it was bad art.

My weekend looked like this...

(lots) more to come... but first I have 1000 shots to convert from RAW (or ARW as Sony insist on calling it)

Getting ready to shoot

So with the first shoot for my soon to be realized portfolio just a couple of days away I'm finally getting organized. Have lights, ladder, wireless flash, a couple of good lenses, extra batteries and chargers, ways to focus the light, a promise out to only play good music on the day and tomorrow I'm off in search of a whole bunch of props.
Oh and a tripod, a gorilla grip, some lens cleaning stuff and a a rocket blaster, lest it get dusty.

I'm off tomorrow to buy some props from a Vintage / Burlesque store in Dearborn. I've been in touch with each and every model. I've scouted a location for another shoot next week; am looking for studio space in Montreal and am generally engaged - almost to the point of distraction.

Less knackered today - went to bed earlier, got up later and hit the gym hard enough to make my stomach muscles aches with a dull throb that's almost pleasurable.10 pounds and ten years ago I'd have been tempted to offer myself up to photographers on Sunday and have them do with me as they wish; alas work. clients, age and gravity have ensured that's not an option (temporarily)... older, saggier, more interesting and less interested in where the next paycheck is coming from and I'll be there.

Counting down to Saturday

Overlooked more times than a scenic valley

The invisible man on the La Rambla was definitely worth seeing *smirk*
Originally uploaded by Shamus O'Reilly

I'm tired today.
Exhausted.

And that makes me maudlin.

Talking with friends about their great new ventures and about how my name had been raised in connection with cool jobs and then discarded based on the thought that "he wouldn't be interested" has made me realize that I've done nothing with masses of potential.

Everyone assumes that my every move is to something more interesting. And that I'm living the life that they 'd expect a 'deviant' to live. And while it's true that I'm finally out of my creative coma and doing things again that hasn't yet extended to work.

Of course Montreal is a chance to change that. And I will.

I'm not chasing cool for cool's sake. I'm just chasing new models for effectivenesses sake. Looking for a better way to do things and some big clients to turn thoughts into action that has impact.

That's a very American sentence.

I'm tired
Exhausted
Maudlin

Pay no heed

Heavy hearted

Actually I'm heavy EVERYTHING'd. After a weekend that has had late suppers, late dinners and tonight all day grazing for the Superbowl I'll hit bed tonight six pounds heavier than I did on Thursday.

This time next week I should be working my way through a couple of hundred model shots... trying to get them into shape for the people I've spent time with.

The god news is that the new (well old but new to me) lenses seem sharp and I'm getting better at framing around the lens that I have - rather than shooting in the knowledge that I have 28mm-500mm on tap to play with.

The pic today is from drag Queen Bingo (no Shit Columbo, huh?) - which was fun but late starting; we had dinner booked so had to leave before the drink really started taking effect... still a good time I think

Okay - some sit-ups and to bed with me

Knife skills and other things

contrary to somewhat cool opinion I haven't 'gone native' in my quest to learn some knife skills. This isn't about butchering an elk or disemboweling the neighbor's dog - it's about being able to chop vegetables like Gordon Ramsey and create vegetable centerpieces like one of Martha's minions. Don't worry people - it's a middle class pretension thing, not a return to my 'gut it n eat it' roots.

What else? Well we had a friend over last night who actually talks. It was nice to be the audience for once. And I enjoyed every tale - even if we did slip into ad speak on occasion (nothing more boring or more tempting). We also went to a folk gig where the audience was elderly and enthusiastic enough to have us worry about displaced and broken joints. Alas the young, cool, weird acts were separated by a man in a blue nylon suit who looked like Neil Diamond's dad and sang like Neil Diamond's Waste Disposal. Tragic and he acted as constant deflation rather than punctuation.

Bought my last lens for a while - another Minolta to replace the Sony Kit lens that came free with the camera. Actually I got two lenses with it and one was much better than anyone will admit. But the other is no match for the Minolta and so I gave in one last time. Other than a remote shutter I'm now done with buying for now.

The image above is a much reduced test shot that I took in the store.

So now bathed, dressed and trying to get up for Drag Queen Bingo, dinner at Fiddleheads (Curried Cauliflower Samosa with Savory Eggplant Jam, Citrus-Almond Couscous, Herb Oil for me) and then on to the casino for Dancin'

Time for a RedBull I think