Weighty thoughts at the turn of the year

chatstew
Originally uploaded by stevenjude.

I do find that New year posts tend to demand a thoughtfulness that I'm not prepared to give them. Retrospect is another of my weaknessess - I tend to disapprove of stories (repotage) and roar with laughter at annecdotes (and the racconteur). If it doesn't have a punchline dearie, don't bother (as I'm sure some Oscar Wile obsessed teen queen / pop star once lisped)

Of course the blog hasn't had an annecdote in an absolute age - which is why I'm rather looking forward to a whole new batch of tests in the New Year. All routine - but all neccessitating my meeting a fresh bunch of people, in stressful circumstance over a long enough period of time to cast them in my mind and give them lines to say that might not be accurate but are always truthful.

I've spent much of the morning trawling through the UK Pantomime scene - looking for John Inman, Christopher Biggins and of course - The Krankies. The Krankies are in Darlington this year (again) and will be glad of the work as television bookings for aging men married to midgets who dress up as small boys (only to be regularly 'put across my knee and spanked') are now few and far between. Though a small tweak to the act could see them pulling in $1,000s online.

Fot those as obsessed with UK D list celebrity as me here are some of this year's choicest panto pairings...

Sylvester (Dr Who 7) McCoy is in Reading with Christopher Lillicrap and a panda named LuLu... also it's not LuLu in blackface but who knows, maybe a special guest appearance????

Paul (Hi De Hi) Shane is with Michelle ('Allo 'Allo) Hodges in Peterborough proving that you can dine out off a catchphrase forever - Matt Lucas is this your future?

Gary Wilmott is with ex boyband star Lee Brennon in Derby

Linda (80s page 3 girl) Lusardi is with Leslie (Eastender, murderer and flasher) Grantham in Plymouth... Ladrokes are taking bets as to whether he'll kill her or F#%k her

Darren (living in my car these days) Day is in Billingham... they deserve each other

Toyah (it's a myth-stery) Wilcox is in Brighton... she used to be in Jarman movies, hoiw did that happen

Hunter from Gladiators is in Hastings - makes a change from being in Ulrika Johnnson I guess

Cannon and (Born again Xtian) Ball join Paul (70s sex symbol) Nicholas in Wescliffe on sea

Lisa (fat bird from Emmerdale who took over from Jeremy Beadle) Riley is ensuring the theatre looks full even before the concessions bus arrives lf in Southsea

Keith Harris brings green duck Orville and phlegmy monkey Cuddles to Fareham... hilarity will fail to ensue

The Fonz himself (Henry Winkler) joins wanna be Freddie Star impersonator Bobby Davro in Wimbledon...

Ruth Maddock (she's welsh by all accounts) is in Bath

joe pasquale will be squeaking his way through a 20 year old routine in Bristol

Bernie (the fattest) Nolan will be in the mood for dancing in Croydon

Whilst over in Guildford Stephanie Beecham will be trotting out her 'poor man's Joan Collins' schtick

Sadder still Patrick (Bobby Ewing) Duffy will be oiling himself up and greasing his way through Cinderella over in Woking - not how he expected his foray into theatre to end I would imagine

Lesley (isn't it funny when I play a grasping jew / elderly nympho?) Joseph joins some bloke from long defunct kids show Crackerjack ('Crackerjack!') in Wolverhampton.

Melvyn Hayes (It's aint half hot mum / bananaman) proves that Panto is an art over at worthing - catch him if you can

Even if it means missing the ginger duo of sonia and mark curry in horsham

I have to stop before I explode with the sheer awfulness of it all... I'd head down to Horsham - ginger wigs in hand and shout 'Where's Russ Abbott?' all the way through the first act - if I were you (this is a viewing suggestion only)