American Idol

Sanjaya Malakar
Originally uploaded by KellyK

I realised today that I've been almost entirely silent on the subject of this season's American Idol - which is most unlike me as it's a bit of a corker.

Let me start by bringing you up to speed with the contestants

Brook White is the toothy Carly Simon type. She's never seen an R rated movie, is relentlessly positive and likes to play the piano in a way that reminds me of a chaste Tori Amos (her knees are resolutely never splayed). She's harmless enough but alas she's about 40 years too late to have a career - and 40 years ago we had tapestry and carole king anyway.

Carly Smithson is an Irish bruiser who this week admitted that she'd murdered Total Eclipse of the Heart in part because her slimming girdle had been too tight. Married to what appears to be a fighting lizard she's the kind of girl you'd like to have a pint with - and she can belt out a song but in the age of HD and widescreen the bingo wings are a killer.

David Archuleta is a singing mormon foetus who seems too earnest for his own good but really connects on songs with a pseudo refligious content. He makes the girls scream but only because girls are evil and they see how it makes him squirm. Tellingly he's almost never acknowledged by another contestant. He'll go far, but never far enough

David Cook is a doughy Daughtrey. He's done a couple of good covers that have turned out to be accurate enough rip offs but he does at least sound current in an emo rocker sort of way. I'd like him more if he didn't look like a Cornish Pastie.

Jason Castro is the young, blue eyes, dreadlocked bedroom strummer with the hippie attitude and the ability to turn 12 year old girls into puddles of jello. He's crap but that doesn't really matter - it's all about the eyes.

Kristy Lee Cook has played every Idol card she can. She sings with a country twang. She has a "I sold my horse" story and after WEEKS in the bottom three she this week made the most cynical and brilliant choice of songs in the history of the show "God Bless the USA" - Americans bought shovels to help them gobble that shit up faster and she's moving on.

Michael Johns is from Australia and has a Queen fetish. This makes people compare him to Michael Hutchence. Maybe a castrated Hutchence. He's already in a hotel room - somebody hand him a noose and save us from more weeks of self indulgent vocal noodling.

Ramilele Malubay wouldn't be out of place belting out slightly mis-pronounced covers in the Mandarin Oriental, Manilla. When she does end up there be sure to ask for a room as far from the 'cabaret lounge' as possible.

Syesha Mercado is another cut priced Whitney. She has nice hair. And she's making the most of good dentistry. But really girl - you need to get your own schtick 'cause this has been done and been done so much better.

And that's it. Nobody as excruciating as 'beat boxer' Blake Lewis, as deformed but brilliant as Doolittle or even as deranged as last year's winner - a hairy pre-pubescent giantess . But it's been a blast so far.

Expect weekly updates hence.