Before I even get into this I know that it's going to be unfair. And self indulgent. And maybe even self-pitying --- but you know what I think that I've earned the right to one 'woe is me' post in every 500 or so. It's not a bad hit rate.
And for those of you who will comment saying 'there's always someone worse off' I'll just say 'of course there is but that's ridiculous logic.' First happiness and satisfaction isn't judged relative to the happiness of other people. If it was then the slums wouldn't be full of smiles and laughter - and I'm told that they are. More importantly if you follow the logic of the argument then being better off than someone would mean being happy being the second hungriest, second poorest, second sickest, second most miserable person on earth. It's an argument that leads you on a downward spiral. And as such it's a poor model. At least it should be 'well you're better off than the statistical mean' - that, at least, would keep you in the 50th percentile.
Anyway that wasn't what triggered this. What triggered it was the suggestion, from several quarters that the very fact that I no longer live in the town in which I grew up means that I am automatically better off than the people who stayed there. This is not just a case of 'greener grass' but one that is based on a number of prejudices.
The first is that the 'ex-pat' lifestyle is one that is somehow superior and more glamorous. It used to be more glam' for sure. Full of clubs and cocktails and fabulous receptions, the occasional affair about which to gossip and approaches to become a spy. But I live in Michigan. MICHIGAN. One of the poorest, most depressed, coldest, bankrupt states in the US. There is no ex-pat lifestyle here. No support system at all. Now I chose it, and I'm okay with my choice but the idea that I'm living some kind of Merchant Ivory ex-pat lifestyle is ridiculous and frankly it pisses me off.
The second thing that I'm constantly told is just how easy things are for me. It's easier to move if you're me. It's easier to get a great job if you're me. Everything is easier, because my life is a big floaty cloud made up of angelic door openers who exist only to ease my passage through life. I'm not sure if you people have been reading the blog but I'm an unemployed, ex cancer patient with a high chance of relapse, no work visa in the country in which I live and no permission to leave the country, who has just watched his wife lose the baby we wanted more than anything. Which part of that sounds charmed to you.
A family member said to me the other day "It could be worse, you could be unemployed in the UK" - to whit I wanted to say "Oh yeah, in the UK where I'd be entitled to unemployment benefits, a state pension and would be surrounded by family... rather than living off savings, entitled to nothing despite having paid around $400,000 in taxes here, 4000 miles from the nearest blood relative"... but I didn't.
Again yes it was my bed. And I'm happy to lay in it. Just don't tell me it's the most comfortable bed in the world and how envious you are of it.
Next one. We just lost a baby. "Well at least you can afford a long vacation to get over it." I won't dignify that one with a response beyond... if it was true it would still be offensive, as it is see above...
And so to the last bit of this. I have no problem at all with life throwing shit at me. Bad stuff happens to lots of people. And as you get older that stuff starts to be thrown ever faster. I'm not looking for a free pass through life. Nor am I looking for help from people. What I am looking for is an understanding that the things that happen to us affect us in the same way they do you and your neighbors and friends. That geographic distance from you is no shield from the things that happen to us here. And that just because our lives look different to yours that doesn't mean that we assume that they're better, or that the challenges that get thrown our way are felt in a lesser way.
Right there's the whine for this 18 months... no on to Montreal, a new house, new jobs and lots and lots of vacation