Tomorrow I have my first CT scan in 6 months. And it's doing scary things to me. The cough that I have is no longer allergies, it's cancer. The tiredness that I feel at the end of the day is no longer a long day - it's exhaustion. The glands that I feel swollen are no longer just fighting off a cold - they're the first sign of cancer.
It's weird. I knew that 3 month scans would show up cancer before I had a chance to feel its effects. 6 month scans I'm not so sure about. But it's not that uncertainty that bothers me.
What bothers me is that whatever I'm doing there's this shadow of doubt hanging somewhere. We're planning for the future at the moment... where next? what next? when do we move? And the whole time I'm thinking "... if this test is clear" or "damn wouldn't an It's Back diagnosis ruin these plans"
I guess that once you've learned that life has a habit of tripping you up and kicking you in the rubbery bits you come to expect a storm whenever the seas start to look inviting.
Thank god the scans are tomorrow - this hyper awareness is killing me
1 comment:
Fingers crossed for you, Mr. W. Give me a tinkle when you're done and we can firm up plans for squishy n'sarkee
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