Jude had her 'big' exam today - 8 hrs of writing in the frozen wastes of Albany - so I was home alone. The doctor called yesterday and told me that the CT scan had been moved forward - so it was Barium all the way for me. Nasty tasting stuff and I had to drink 450ml at midnight, another 450ml at 1.30pm and another glass at 2.15. The banana flavor was more chemical than fruit, but hey it's a minor thing.
With all the Barium I didn't use the inhaler I've had and weirdly breathed well all day. Bar one coughing fit that had me on my knees and vomitting again. That's two days running now and it's scaring me just a tad. Will talk with the doctor on Friday - it doesn't seem to be symptomatic of anything particular.
Trying to limit my 'Internet research' until I know what I have. Staging and biopsy results will let me start to dig rather than self diagnose. I keep finding ever rarer and more lethal variations on the lymphoma theme and of course as soon as I read about them the symptoms start.
A guy at work today offered me referals to some of New York's finest oncologists. I think that I may well take him up on the offer... he's well connected and I'm well insured - plus it will put my mind at rest regarding Brooklyn quality health care vs. Manhattan stuff.
Ultimately though this is a waiting game and I have so little patience it's unbelievable. Still very much 'up' - still hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Still at work, still telling people... starting to get practical. Called health insurance people, called benefits people, looked at electric razors (all the better during Chemo), Netflix (for those bad days), bought new sheets ahead of night-sweats and looked into hand sanitizers (the better to ward off infection)
I'm either in denial, unbelievably zen or I really am a fatalist... because whilst I'm prepared to hand over my body and allow the doctors to do with it what they need in order to fix it I'm also quite happy with the idea that what will be will be (very Doris Day of me).
Anyway past my bed time.
Night all
Steve
PS - I do hope I don't get too Anne Frank with this
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