Here we are again

It's been MONTHS since I last posted.

In that time I've come off the meds
Gained 20lbs
Taken a new job

And added a baby to the mix.



Weird that I put it in that order, but having the baby around (Tijke) feels so natural, normal and cool that you often forget that he wasn't here 6 months ago.

And he is cool. Quiet and happy and content. Quick to smile and slow to complain. With a Spaghetti Oh mouth when he sees something that fascinates him and a Sid James laugh when he sees something that amuses.

He loves GaGa and Glee and Cher - any kind of gay diva thing that has sparkles and musical numbers. And our world together is a musical number. I sing. He sings. We smile.

It's been all change - and all change for the better.

Which is why I mentioned the weight gain. Could it be that just as happiness hits a tumor grows? An insane thought (not that it's impossible but allowing a "what if?" to mar a current 'Glad that').. Sept 6th is scans...

Ah cancer, why can't I quit you

We all have our crosses to bear

and mine is understanding the myriad of French language paperwork that comes through my door each day from various revenue services... today's was a fine for missing a deadline on a what seems like a mystery clause in a weird paragraph hidden behind a curtain somewhere in Ottawa. Have sent the details through to the accountant and am hoping that she can help sort it out but it does make you wonder what fresh horrors await behind each and every envelope and I'm genuinely scared to go down and to get the mail most days.

Anyway all of this is making for it being hard to sleep (I just picked up the mail as I walked the dog at 11.30pm) so instead I'm going to do some work. But I am not a happy bunny, at all

Forgive me remaining reader

for I have not posted. In my defense my arm hurts. And it's snowing, a lot. And I have lots of things due for work. And Jude needs lots of hospital rides, and did I mention that my arm hurts, a lot.

It's been a pretty long week actually - having to walk your arm up the wall incy wincy spider style just to get into a wide necked t-shirt is hideously depressing. Being banged into by every old lady on the street is equally annoying but at least there you can mutter 'grave dodger' and move on to more pressing matters (coffee - the only reason that I leave the house these days)

What else, what else? Have a shoot late tonight then two more 10pm shoots later in the week. Last of the year... and last before the show. Hope they go well as I'm light on stuff I think. We'll see when time comes to curate some images.

Anyway some of the images that I caught up with while waiting for transportation devices or in transit are below...

i am broken

On Sunday I slipped and fell.

By Tuesday it looked like this.

Hospital says that it's a bad dislocation with torn tendons. It hurts.

Chances are it will heal, or it won't. If if it doesn't then in two weeks they'll be putting pins into me.

Of course it's hard to sleep. And hard to move - so when Jude has a cramp in the middle of the night and is screaming for help I tend to be wake but unable to move to help - I think Dante had a chapter or two on this.

Still I'm moving around, unaffected by the British snow and getting people to carry bags for me - so it's not all bad

My granddad died today

And while it wasn't unexpected death always comes as a surprise. I've been away from the UK for more than a decade now and one of the thing that you sacrifice when you commit to following a different path is that you lose touch with the people you shouldn't.

My memories of my granddad are pretty vivid though.

A chalkboard on a small wooden easel. World of Sport with Dickie Davies. 4pm wrestling on a Saturday with Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks and 'crybaby' Jim Breaks. A night when I was allowed to stay up and watch "Carry On Abroad", Round Robins, walking down to the racecourse for tips from trainers and jockeys (and leaving with manure for his garden), Boxing day buffets, tins of cookies, ginger snaps, diet ski yoghurts, Anne Robinson and "The Weakest Link',  the Daily Mirror crossword, Andy Capp cartoons, the Grand National, Saltburn valley gardens, getting to open and close the crossing gates and watching the trains progress on a giant board.

It's all good stuff. Warm and human and carefree and innocent. And it's stuff that will stick with me. He was a good man, who lived a quiet life surrounded by people who loved him. And ultimately that's what it's all about. I wish I could have introduced him to his latest great-grandchild but it wasn't to be... still I got a lot from him and that will be passed on

Killing time before The Biggest Loser

I've been kinda dazed today, off my game, half a step behind,,, afraid of the send button on my e-mail lest the text I was sending was quite mad. Not sure what triggered it but am hoping a quiet evening in front of the biggest loser (with pizza!) will solve it.

We have 9 new windows, 3 broken blinds and a smell of glue that I'm blaming for my malaise. The men were fast but horrible. At least horrible at first. The glue is worse.

To cheer myself up I called a friend at 3.30, asked for 45mins of her time and did these together... much better if only a temporary respite

Sucking too hard on your lollipop...

So I've already let myself down on the blog posts but honestly I'm running from place to place, stuck in traffic and generally cursing the fact that I've not seen the dog, taken a deep breath or even managed to catch up on trashy TV in forever.

But I do have a concept for my 40th birthday photo show... it's going to be a backstage burlesque thing and it's going to be with these guys.... but in a style that feels very much more like the shot below... a more backstagey, mirror in evidence, not really looking type of thing.

Should be FUN

Breakfast with the Dutch

Kinda looks like this most mornings

I have been rather remiss

... with the blog entries of late and for that, remaining reader (hello mom) I apologize. The truth is that I've been exceedingly busy - with work, with runs to and from the hospital (scans, blood, more scans, check-ups, more blood) and with weekend photo shoots.

It feels as though the company is taking off, the baby is making itself felt (kicking up a storm, taking up time) and that the photos need completing before winter takes a firm hold and stops us from heading outside for a few months at least.

But things are good. I'm feeling chilled. I'm doing some good work. The baby is adding to the feeling of grounding that I sorely needed after so many years of moves, job changes, job losses, health issues and so on and so forth.

Anyway I have a call in 7 mins, which gives me about 2 mins for the bathroom, 2 to find pens, 2 to find the  number and 1 to actually dial...

More regular updates to follow

Things are hotting up

Despite losing my wallet yesterday (not recommended) things here are going quite well... there's a lot of work on the horizon, some interesting people in my sights in terms of potential employees and there's even the chance that Quebec might get final business paperwork to me some time this year - it may be slim but hey, you live in hope. Or at least I do.

Jude it seems is still pregnant. Which is good. Baby Tickles is now the size of a large fruit and kicking lick a drag queen being dragged towards a police van during a Pride rally

And erm, with Jude just home and 'the Biggest Loser' just started, that's it

Well that's Thanksgiving done

A busy weekend here. It was Canadian Thanksgiving - but during it I had to work on around 4 or 5 things that were all due on the holiday. It was fun actually, sweating on a deadline, trying to push things through and generally hoping to get it all out of the door in reasonable shape and reasonable time.

Over and above that we went to my friend Michelle's body building show - where she was robbed of first place having been told that she was on the borderline of having a body that was too built. "Isn't that rather the point?" asked the one pro-body builder there - summing up the reaction of the crowd rather more eloquently than the chorus of boos that had greeted the judge's decision.

We also picked up a cheap (well on sale so I'm using the word 'cheap') body cast for Jude to use when she's about 8.5 months pregnant. The translation isn't great - reminding me to cover "Both the tummy and her udders" - but maybe it will be apt.

Gonna spend today thinking about cars and what can be done with them, before moving on tomorrow to think about confectionary and what can be done with it.

The nights draw in

So it's started to get dark early here... and while it's still 20c during the day, at night that falls to 4c and the air takes on that crisp, toffee apple, bonfire crackle that you remember from being a kid.

The glow from behind the windows of stores and restaurants is almost hypnotic, drawing you in. Though for waistline and wallet we're trying to resist.

It means that Jude and I are spending more and more time in front of the TV and less and less walking the canals (for pleasure, not trade) but the cool thing is that as we slump in front of another season of The Biggest Loser we're often interrupted by the kick of the baby, saying 'enjoy this while you can, it's about to change'

Well that's what we take it for anyway. It's amazing how you project onto an unborn kid. When I think if baby (can't say the name here, can't say the name) I have a vision of a long, curly blonde haired, free spirited, rock 'n' roll, hippie baby that's one part Jude, one part Joplin, one part Michael Hutchence and one part Hair. I have to get with the program and also imagine a pocket protector loving, math nerd that's one part PeeWee, one part Screech., one part me I guess. But that's hard man, it's hard.

Tad on the busy side

So I spent the back end of last week in New York - where as ever the roads flooded, my plane was grounded and much stress was placed on the elderly body. Coped though and made it back in time for Jude's 20 week scan -- where all was good and due date was confirmed (Valentine's Day). All a bit tight but good to make it.

New York has thrown up all kinds of things that we could be doing and so today will be taken up with cataloguing them and making sure that they get done quickly and right. All pretty standard, just lots of dotting and crossing.

Not a lot else going on right now. Jude continues to be pregnant, the dog continues to grow old in a pleasant way, the cats continue to shed, the photos have come to a bit of a halt as I only shoot at weekends and this weekend was pretty full and the weather has switched to fall - lots of sunshine, lots of cold, lots of leaves blowing.

So quiet... but quiet is good, right?

Apt

I was talking to an old friend the other day (these days all of my friends are old and out acquaintances long) and he was telling me the story of how his business folded, how he lost everything and how his fall hurt a great many people at the time.

He's now ready to come back and try again but the wounds are still visible as scars and people are treating them as though they may be the sores of a leper.

I understand all sides of this one but admire his bravery and his determination to do it again and to do it for enjoyment rather than recognition.

Anyway this image 'even angels get scarred' felt very apt.

The best thing about Dad To Be?

They say that the best thing about 'Dad to be' is that you get to buy lots and lots of tech' gadgets. And had Jude have been having this baby in any of the 10 of the last 11 years I'd have agreed. I'd have had a home sonar kit so that I could listen to the baby's heart, I'd have had a Stokke stroller so that the baby could be raised (like Lazerus) towards us should it cry. I'd have bought the 'Pretty City Titty Milking Bra' (or whatever it's called) and had the solar panels attached. There would have been a baby bouncer thing that mimics the 8 most common movements of mom. There's have been a baby surveillance system that would have rivaled the cameras leading to Michael Jackson's bedroom. And there would have been custom made vinyl wall adhesives in the newly made-over nursery.

But a couple of things have happened in the last year or so. I started taking the meds and the crazy has worn off. We got to know people who had kids and asked ourselves 'why are their houses filled with plastic shite?' We got to know people who said things like 'hey this crib has been in the family for 40 years, I used it, do you want it for a year?' and we learned to say 'yes'.

And of course I started a new business and pumped all of the money it made right back in, to people and flights and logos and trips and websites and office spaces and lawyers and accountants and corporate tax and (mostly) into the bank in case it all goes horribly wrong and we end up having to pay everyone without making a cent (the crazy isn't totally gone, but it's nice to have enough not to have to worry about the swamped, parched nature of a new business. We're very liquid, apparently).

So Jude and I are being frugal, by choice and by neccessity. Trying to keep the baby stuff down to a minimum. Trying to keep it to natural materials. To borrow what we can and recycle what we can't. To keep the baby's environmental footprint down and the costs of baby manageable.

That said for the last four months I've been playing a neat game with myself. One $20 bill from every trip to the ATM wasn't for me and coffee and backalley handjobs from toothless crones (all that $20 will buy you these days I think - that or two 'full contact, full nude' lapdances (but I'd not know what to do with my hands). Instead it belonged to the baby, and today I'd finally 'saved' enough to buy this

It's the I'Coo Pacific and it's really rather neat. German, lightweight, reversible, the seat turns into a bassinet, the bassinet into a seat. There's a universal car adapter, it folds if you so much as think the world 'fold' and no doubt it makes babies smarter, cooler, quieter and more likely to say 'I love you so much, you're such hip people' to their parents when they hit their teen years. It has a foot muff (all the better to avoid frostbite with) and let's not forget the rain cover bunting bag.

In the past I'd have bought this without thinking, then changed my mind and bought something more expensive, giving this one away over an expensive dinner that I'd pick up the tab for. Somehow seeing it as the result of 4 months of covert saving makes it all the sweeter. Unless it sucks. At which point I'll pay myself a huge dividend and head straight to the Bugaboo store....

And time, goes by, so SLOWWWWWWWLY

Bollocks it does. It's racing by faster than you can say 'holy sweet donut holes' - which is something that you should say daily in my opinion. And I like to opine, which isn't an Irish Christmas Tree, it's an action. And one that I do so well.

Anyway this week has seen lots happen. Propellerfish finally got a new website up. It took forever but it's there and awaiting content. And it arrived just in time, as friends of ours announced their start-up Co: and us a part of the Co:llective and Co:alition that goes with it., They were in the New York times, so suddenly our hit rate went up, our twittering became more watched and a million service companies called and offered to sell us what they do for a living. Very cool. We also got Federal Incorporation, so very cool timing all around.

In 'other news' we think that we've landed on a name for 'the baby' that's a mix of Dutch, International, easy to spell, hard to say, good looking when written by hand, acceptable to the Quebec Baby Name police (no umlauts, no unpronounced French accentry) and really rather cool. It's staying under wraps for now, but I like it a lot. And I can only find one person who has it - and then as a nickname. Well done Jude, when the naming side of the business is short a person I know who to call.

Photographically it's all about the boys with the great hair and the crummy apartments. Fabulous by night  they light up the social scene, air kiss and know everyone. By day they lounge on mattresses that have seen a dozen like them pass through and burn out, in apartments strewn with the debris of little cash and too much time somewhere at the end of the subway line. I'm liking it. Shooting more this weekend.

More cheek time with hospital chairs

So when Jude was sent to the emergency room this week we didn't have time to pack cushions, or e-books or any of the things that make interminable waits on hard plastic chairs that little more bearable. Instead we hunkered down, we bought terrible magazines from elderly volunteers who see counting change as a kind of zen sudoku, we watched the people to fat too fit in the seats, yet too fat to stand do little circles.

Actually they were fast - day one. They checked us in, registered us, listened to the baby's heartbeat, made an appointment for a thorough ultra-scan and then let us go. The next day took longer, scan, move, wait for results, wait for injection, wait to see whether there was a reaction to the injection.

The good news is that the scans were all good, Jude is fine, the baby is fine and it looks as though it might well be a boy. The bad news - boy's names are HARD. I fancy recycling a Coco, a Lulu or a Lili. Jude's less certain. So instead we start the search for a boy's name that won't lead to fights (sorry Sioux, sorry Gaye Mary), won't sound too Sarah Palin (bye bye Thak, Thud, Skud and Moses) and won't get the kid internally searched at airports (ciao Jorge, Jihaad, Mosef)... I'm currently stuck on Berlinn... will try to get past that.

First post of my 40s

So 40 came and went. I spent a big chunk of the day at the oncologists - which was a good thing. I now have a schedule for scans, two people on my case and a team following up. The Canadian system works well when you're in it - the problem in Quebec is getting into that system. One for Propellerfish I think. "How do you provide consistent healthcare when half of the people in the Province don't have a doctor of their own?" Would love to do that one.

Lots on with P'Fish at the moment. Am talking to quite a few people about being their 'innovation provider' - the trick will be finding the right people to power. I'd hate to be 'powering' people who don't really get it, or don't really like us or just don't really play well with others. So it's lots and lots of conversations about feel and mood and ways of approaching things.

On top of that have a couple of Salons coming - to show people what it is that we do and how it feels to do it with us. They're always fun to do and almost always end up churning out an idea that somebody wants to pick up and run with.

Looking at a busy period coming up too, with banks, energy drinks, governments, PR agencies, jewelers, auto manufacturers, drinks people and confectioners all vying for a place on the books.

Plus the new website is at the Proof Reading stage - which is more exciting than it should be. Liking it a lot.

Throw in Jude now looking properly pregnant (Valentine's Day Birth) and the fact that she got me a gallery show for my birthday (so lots of pictures to take, frame and name) plus a commission to take for a very cool website and a request to be the photographer for "an erotic masked ball" (still thinking about that one) and it looks as though the next six months could be hectic.

Cool

Tick, tock

A decade ago I was in Bali, enjoying my 30th birthday. I was living in Singapore, the career was going well, I was being courted by companies from all over the world. I'd never been sick. Nobody around me had died. I had no reason to believe that I'd ever lose a job, or be 'let go'. Nobody close to me had ever really let me down. I was invincible and invulnerable. And an asshole because of it. 

A decade later I'm sitting in Montreal. Sickness, betrayal, loss of job, death and doubt have all visited me. And they've taken my hair and the elasticity of my skin. They almost took my sanity. But somehow you get through.

And you do more than get through. I have a fledgling company that's about to take off, a business partner that's shown enough patience with me to be in line for sainthood but enough steel to make me get up in the mornings. We have a baby on the way. New friends around us. And 30" waist pants (still)

I'm less of an asshole. Calmer. More centered. Less sure. Better. 10 years vegetarian. 4 years cancer free. A person rather than a cartoon.

Life is good.

Who knows what 40s will throw at me, I know it will be something (there's progress), I also know that I'll sail through (even if it gets choppy)

So here's to the people that made my 30s bearable (thank you people) and to the next decade... who'd have thought I'd live to see it?

I know that...

I know that pregnant women are supposed to be beautiful. That they're supposed to glow. To have a luminescence about them. To radiate.

But let's face it that usually translates to 'pregnant women are heavy, they sweat and perspire their way around, looking hot, bothered and blotchy.'

And for many people that's the case.

But I have to say that I think my wife looks tremendous as a pregnant lady - carrying it off with a breezy aplomb that brushes aside the nausea, aches, pains, cramps, swellings, cravings, more nausea and general unease.

It's all in the genes apparently