I've been a naughty Elmo. This course has broiught the worst out of me - and the martinis have been Robin to the Batman of my own self-destructive impulses.
Last night I found myself on a bus making up nicknames for all of the people around me. Some were willing participants; others merely got to overhear my inventive venom.
This morning the awfulness I feel has nothing to do with lack of sleep. And nothing to do with alcohol. It's a fear that I may have hurt nice people in a bid to amuse the less nice here.
When did I revert to highschool, huh?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Oh shit
two days of conference food - and three to go
I can feel myself getting softer by the minute --- despite upping the gym and joining the group of people who run around the grounds in the evening.
This conference really is the last thing I needed before a week's vacation... no more alcohol, no more starters and, alas, no more mirrors, for me
I can feel myself getting softer by the minute --- despite upping the gym and joining the group of people who run around the grounds in the evening.
This conference really is the last thing I needed before a week's vacation... no more alcohol, no more starters and, alas, no more mirrors, for me
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A simple statement
This blog opened (years ago) with a statement of unconditional love for my wife.
I just wanted to say that it still holds
I just wanted to say that it still holds
All over the place
The course that I'm on is one of those 'be emotionally free' things.
And it's doing me no good at all.
I reacted yesterday to the news that somebody had beaten us to an apartment on our floor by half a day with an hour of sobbing, a horrible over reaction and all of the melodrama of a Greek heroine on bad medication.
Today I'm calm. I slept 4 hrs. I'm on a computer at 6am. I've already done an hour in the gym. I've read my case studies, folded my clothes, arranged my travel and (no doubt) worried and upset a wife who already has more than enough on her plate... but I'm calm.
So to those I owe an apology, I'm sorry. To the rest - drama queenery very nearly over
And it's doing me no good at all.
I reacted yesterday to the news that somebody had beaten us to an apartment on our floor by half a day with an hour of sobbing, a horrible over reaction and all of the melodrama of a Greek heroine on bad medication.
Today I'm calm. I slept 4 hrs. I'm on a computer at 6am. I've already done an hour in the gym. I've read my case studies, folded my clothes, arranged my travel and (no doubt) worried and upset a wife who already has more than enough on her plate... but I'm calm.
So to those I owe an apology, I'm sorry. To the rest - drama queenery very nearly over
Monday, November 17, 2008
Oh dear
The hotel that I'm learning to make friends for profit at is 70 miles from any airport - or $220 in taxi terms.
it's also about 3 miles from the nearest road.
And built in a donut shape that makes it hard to navigate but impossible to get lost in.
The staff are weary - knowing that conventioneers always start quiet on Sunday and end, on Friday, bed hopping BFFs who grow drunker and more demanding by the day.
The patrons - all here on courses - expense everything and spend what they've saved on shiny suiuts and helmet hair lacquer.
If I had a soul it would be crumbling
it's also about 3 miles from the nearest road.
And built in a donut shape that makes it hard to navigate but impossible to get lost in.
The staff are weary - knowing that conventioneers always start quiet on Sunday and end, on Friday, bed hopping BFFs who grow drunker and more demanding by the day.
The patrons - all here on courses - expense everything and spend what they've saved on shiny suiuts and helmet hair lacquer.
If I had a soul it would be crumbling
Sunday, November 16, 2008
More from the evil empire
I'm off on full week course aimed at teaching me how to manipulate friendships for profit. I intend to take the lessons onboard and frankly forget them in terms of work. I did something similar with negotiation - which has proved very useful with realtors and car salesmen but hasn't been used anywhere else.
It's a full week but I'm taking gym stuff and will avoid the bowls of candy that will doubtless litter the place.
Back Friday - leave Saturday. Giving me just enough time to look at #510 in our building. Yup a unit up for rent and less than 50 yards from our front door. If it's available for short term lease I'll take it, move over a weekend and be done with the uncertainty of 'what now?'
Jude's back from Portland and heading towards Montreal. Singapore from there. Hurrah!
It's a full week but I'm taking gym stuff and will avoid the bowls of candy that will doubtless litter the place.
Back Friday - leave Saturday. Giving me just enough time to look at #510 in our building. Yup a unit up for rent and less than 50 yards from our front door. If it's available for short term lease I'll take it, move over a weekend and be done with the uncertainty of 'what now?'
Jude's back from Portland and heading towards Montreal. Singapore from there. Hurrah!
Friday, November 14, 2008
No cancer yet
So once again the Doctor repeated his "you're boring" refrain and I have to say that it's one that I quite like.
It seems the coughing, the swollen glands, the exhaustion and all of the other maladies really are just colds, allergies and too much time online when I ought to be in bed. Who'd have thought?
I'm not sure why I entered into this one with such a sense of 'something is wrong' when the others I've viewed as inconvenient and expensive but unlikely to throw anything up. It's odd that I can read the motivation of other people so easily (when I can be bothered to look for it) but that I remain a mystery to myself.
Best theory is that this has been the first time since treatment that we've been making long term plans. Michigan was only ever a two year gig. Before that we were planning for a move here. Now Jude's looking at a move that could be permanent and I'm thinking how nice it would be to be in one place, for a long time. Of course the idea of long term is threatened by the ever present specter of early death - and the very real possibility that I might need specialist treatment in the next few years. So scans represent a threat to a future that I'm wanting to plan. Sound plausible? Good.
Anyway have to dash - the dog is back from daycare and I want to spend some time with her
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
In reception
I'm standing in the reception of the Roger Smith hotel after a farcical scan (everything got blocked, leaked, broke down) and a nice dinner with an old friend.
Jude is stuck in Chicago. Stranded by bad weather and about to be 5 hrs late for job interviews tomorrow. She's coping better than I am. She's better at the Doris Day attitude than I am.
Results in the morning - rather worried by the whispered 'good luck' from the radiologist today. But then I'm pretty freaked generally. Time for bed I think.
Jude is stuck in Chicago. Stranded by bad weather and about to be 5 hrs late for job interviews tomorrow. She's coping better than I am. She's better at the Doris Day attitude than I am.
Results in the morning - rather worried by the whispered 'good luck' from the radiologist today. But then I'm pretty freaked generally. Time for bed I think.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The things that shape our perception
Tomorrow I have my first CT scan in 6 months. And it's doing scary things to me. The cough that I have is no longer allergies, it's cancer. The tiredness that I feel at the end of the day is no longer a long day - it's exhaustion. The glands that I feel swollen are no longer just fighting off a cold - they're the first sign of cancer.
It's weird. I knew that 3 month scans would show up cancer before I had a chance to feel its effects. 6 month scans I'm not so sure about. But it's not that uncertainty that bothers me.
What bothers me is that whatever I'm doing there's this shadow of doubt hanging somewhere. We're planning for the future at the moment... where next? what next? when do we move? And the whole time I'm thinking "... if this test is clear" or "damn wouldn't an It's Back diagnosis ruin these plans"
I guess that once you've learned that life has a habit of tripping you up and kicking you in the rubbery bits you come to expect a storm whenever the seas start to look inviting.
Thank god the scans are tomorrow - this hyper awareness is killing me
It's weird. I knew that 3 month scans would show up cancer before I had a chance to feel its effects. 6 month scans I'm not so sure about. But it's not that uncertainty that bothers me.
What bothers me is that whatever I'm doing there's this shadow of doubt hanging somewhere. We're planning for the future at the moment... where next? what next? when do we move? And the whole time I'm thinking "... if this test is clear" or "damn wouldn't an It's Back diagnosis ruin these plans"
I guess that once you've learned that life has a habit of tripping you up and kicking you in the rubbery bits you come to expect a storm whenever the seas start to look inviting.
Thank god the scans are tomorrow - this hyper awareness is killing me
Monday, November 10, 2008
First snow
We got our first snow yesterday. Light but icy. The kind that looks pretty then turns roads to icy death as it lands and becomes an invisible, smooth diamond of inky blackness.
Was fun to watch, less fun to be in and has made travel today all the more exciting.
Suddenly the thought of Singapore - even a rainy season Singapore - is becoming a whole lot more attractive
Was fun to watch, less fun to be in and has made travel today all the more exciting.
Suddenly the thought of Singapore - even a rainy season Singapore - is becoming a whole lot more attractive
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The things that we hate the most
Our landlord is coming over today to make a video of the place that he can then use to sell it - meaning that we're going to have to move before we move (in June)
As a result we're doing the 'pre-move' dance and throwing away anything that's been in a box, closet or drawer unused, unread or unloved for more than 6 months.
I'd like to say that it was liberating and that the 'out with the old spirit' was something that filled us with hope but it's actually an exercise in reducing the cost of moving by throwing away things that you might actually want to keep. And it's especially hard to do when the move is small.
Gimme a flight of more than 5 hrs and this kinda thing is okay. Don't and we're in flux again. And flux sucks.
As a result we're doing the 'pre-move' dance and throwing away anything that's been in a box, closet or drawer unused, unread or unloved for more than 6 months.
I'd like to say that it was liberating and that the 'out with the old spirit' was something that filled us with hope but it's actually an exercise in reducing the cost of moving by throwing away things that you might actually want to keep. And it's especially hard to do when the move is small.
Gimme a flight of more than 5 hrs and this kinda thing is okay. Don't and we're in flux again. And flux sucks.
Friday, November 07, 2008
All change
you see what I did there? How about that for channelling the zeitgeist? And how about THAT for spelling?
So all of the US auto makers announced huge losses today. Chrysler (who also own Jeep and Dodge) are shit out of time and it looks bad for them as GM (is there a worse name for a 21st century company than 'General Motors'?) pulled out of merger / acquisition talks and announced that it's fast running out of money - 2009 being the date that they see it going bang.
Ford looked better, but not much. And of course all of the gloom around these companies makes selling a car even harder - would you buy a GM if you thought that they'd be going out of business in the next year?
I wonder whether the outgoing President is reflecting on any of this.
If they'd told him 8 years ago that the result of his presidency was going to be 1.2m jobs lost in 2008, a $10trillion dollar deficit, two wars, a collapsed banking system, the nationalization of the money markets, the death of the US auto industry, the sanctioning of torture, wiretapping of citizens, public flouting of the Geneva convention, the worst 'terror attack' ever committed on US soil (unless you're a native American of course) and politically the loss of the Senate, House and WhteHouse -- would he have stood?
Maybe it's not too late to ask him.
Mr President?
So all of the US auto makers announced huge losses today. Chrysler (who also own Jeep and Dodge) are shit out of time and it looks bad for them as GM (is there a worse name for a 21st century company than 'General Motors'?) pulled out of merger / acquisition talks and announced that it's fast running out of money - 2009 being the date that they see it going bang.
Ford looked better, but not much. And of course all of the gloom around these companies makes selling a car even harder - would you buy a GM if you thought that they'd be going out of business in the next year?
I wonder whether the outgoing President is reflecting on any of this.
If they'd told him 8 years ago that the result of his presidency was going to be 1.2m jobs lost in 2008, a $10trillion dollar deficit, two wars, a collapsed banking system, the nationalization of the money markets, the death of the US auto industry, the sanctioning of torture, wiretapping of citizens, public flouting of the Geneva convention, the worst 'terror attack' ever committed on US soil (unless you're a native American of course) and politically the loss of the Senate, House and WhteHouse -- would he have stood?
Maybe it's not too late to ask him.
Mr President?
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Dangerously tired
When Jude isn't around I quite often forget to go to bed. Or rather I forget when to go to bed and remember when it's so late into the night that any attempt at sleep would be pretty pathetic.
As a result I'm dangerously tired. I've dropped the dog food. I've almost hit a women crossing the street (okay jogging in all black, at night, across a stop sign) - I saw her late; missed the brake pedal and responded with the girliest of gasps.
What else? Well I was dreadful in a meeting, went blank on several occasions, managed to misuse the limited vocabulary I could muster and forgot the name of a close colleague.
Time I think for some zerious Zees
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Barack Obama's Speech last night
Was good....
Sure it was a tad "Bob the Builder" (Can we fix it? Yes we can)
But it was gracious and eloquent, it attempted to reach out, it promised humility and it talked (as ever) about the audacity of hope and America's ability to overcome the obstacles that threaten to derail the idea of the country. He talked about his election not being the change we seek - but permission to pursue that promise.
He's good. But having heard the boos at his name when McCain tried to put a band-aid on the wounds caused by his savage attacks over the last six months means that he has his work cut out.
I for one sat tense as he spoke -- waiting for the sound of the gun that for some reason I was almost certain would be aimed in his direction. Was I alone?
My fave bit of the speech can be found here
Sure it was a tad "Bob the Builder" (Can we fix it? Yes we can)
But it was gracious and eloquent, it attempted to reach out, it promised humility and it talked (as ever) about the audacity of hope and America's ability to overcome the obstacles that threaten to derail the idea of the country. He talked about his election not being the change we seek - but permission to pursue that promise.
He's good. But having heard the boos at his name when McCain tried to put a band-aid on the wounds caused by his savage attacks over the last six months means that he has his work cut out.
I for one sat tense as he spoke -- waiting for the sound of the gun that for some reason I was almost certain would be aimed in his direction. Was I alone?
My fave bit of the speech can be found here
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
A good thing?
Why do people view uncertainty in other people's lives as 'a good thing'
This month I have scans that will tell me if I'll live or die in 2009.
To whit people say "It must really help you value life"
We have Jude interviewing for jobs everywhere in the world
To whit people say "Oh I envy your flexibility and sense of adventure"
We have a house that may be sold from under us
To whit people say "It's the perfect time to get something great cheap"
When did the very very possibility of being homeless, stateless, jobless and dead become cause for celebration?
That said - it is pretty cool
This month I have scans that will tell me if I'll live or die in 2009.
To whit people say "It must really help you value life"
We have Jude interviewing for jobs everywhere in the world
To whit people say "Oh I envy your flexibility and sense of adventure"
We have a house that may be sold from under us
To whit people say "It's the perfect time to get something great cheap"
When did the very very possibility of being homeless, stateless, jobless and dead become cause for celebration?
That said - it is pretty cool
Monday, November 03, 2008
One more day
So the longest, most expensive and quite frankly most bizarre election in US history is finally drawing to an end. People are pulling stats the way that they used to pull entrails from chickens - 'proving' everything from the 'fact' that rain favors the Republicans to the more obvious 'the old white guy always wins'
Looking back we had the strangest line up of Republicans standing. Crazy old guys, cross dressing mayors, actors and 3 that didn't think that evolution really held. The Mormon was supposed to win, holding out until all of the others imploded. It was an okay plan - but he proved just too hateful and lost his nerve before he lost all of his money. Probably wise... expecting people to come around to you as the least mad of a bonkers bunch is a good plan only if you're not too detestable to ever contemplate.
In the end it went to the guy least like George Bush. McCain came back from the dead and Zombie like stumbled into a campaign against Obama that mirrored the failed campaign of Hillary Clinton.
The he picked Sarah Pallin. A woman with no record (and therefore no real ties to Bush) and with a vagina. Turns out she WAS a vagina (or something similar, I'll not use the word here, though I don't know why)
Cynical yes. Brilliant - well no. Her numbers broke faster than her water and much of the campaign was spent trying to hide her from the media while exposing her to the far right wing that McCain needed.
Obama ran a quieter campaign. He was measured. He never raised his voice. He looked calm. He gave one great speech that took race off the table in terms of campaigning and then went about looking as Emperor like as possible... from the Caesar tilt of the head to the ramrod straight stance... it was all about looking and sounding like a statesman.
So who'll win? The press has it as an Obama landslide. The Obama people are worried that this will mean a lower turn out amongst their voters... people assuming victory and thus heading to the grovery store rather than the polling booth.
McCain thinks that the polls are wrong - and he has the advantage of recent legislation on his side. Many poor mexican and black voters will be turned away from the electronic booths owned and run by Republican Party contributers. But it will need to be close to be stolen.
Either way it doesn't matter too much to the individual. The economy is in the toilet. The stock market has gone mad. It's too late to save the auto industry. We're mired in two wars. The Patriot Act is still in force. Katrina victims have spent too long visiting the dead and returning to their prefab homes. The US is still the country with the one site the publically flaunts the Geneva convention and several more secret black camps where the worst torture happens. There are still more people who hate the US today than there were a decade ago. The deficit is still at record levels. And cynicism is still at an all time high.
What Obama offers is hope. Perhaps we can change things after all. Change the way the world views us - and the way we view the world. Hope that a different path can lead to a different result. Hope that this could be a pivotal point. As I heard recently "The country doesn't need another Clinton, it needs another Lincoln"
Obama may not be up to that. But there's a chance. And that's what we need. Let's see if tomorrow brings it.
Looking back we had the strangest line up of Republicans standing. Crazy old guys, cross dressing mayors, actors and 3 that didn't think that evolution really held. The Mormon was supposed to win, holding out until all of the others imploded. It was an okay plan - but he proved just too hateful and lost his nerve before he lost all of his money. Probably wise... expecting people to come around to you as the least mad of a bonkers bunch is a good plan only if you're not too detestable to ever contemplate.
In the end it went to the guy least like George Bush. McCain came back from the dead and Zombie like stumbled into a campaign against Obama that mirrored the failed campaign of Hillary Clinton.
The he picked Sarah Pallin. A woman with no record (and therefore no real ties to Bush) and with a vagina. Turns out she WAS a vagina (or something similar, I'll not use the word here, though I don't know why)
Cynical yes. Brilliant - well no. Her numbers broke faster than her water and much of the campaign was spent trying to hide her from the media while exposing her to the far right wing that McCain needed.
Obama ran a quieter campaign. He was measured. He never raised his voice. He looked calm. He gave one great speech that took race off the table in terms of campaigning and then went about looking as Emperor like as possible... from the Caesar tilt of the head to the ramrod straight stance... it was all about looking and sounding like a statesman.
So who'll win? The press has it as an Obama landslide. The Obama people are worried that this will mean a lower turn out amongst their voters... people assuming victory and thus heading to the grovery store rather than the polling booth.
McCain thinks that the polls are wrong - and he has the advantage of recent legislation on his side. Many poor mexican and black voters will be turned away from the electronic booths owned and run by Republican Party contributers. But it will need to be close to be stolen.
Either way it doesn't matter too much to the individual. The economy is in the toilet. The stock market has gone mad. It's too late to save the auto industry. We're mired in two wars. The Patriot Act is still in force. Katrina victims have spent too long visiting the dead and returning to their prefab homes. The US is still the country with the one site the publically flaunts the Geneva convention and several more secret black camps where the worst torture happens. There are still more people who hate the US today than there were a decade ago. The deficit is still at record levels. And cynicism is still at an all time high.
What Obama offers is hope. Perhaps we can change things after all. Change the way the world views us - and the way we view the world. Hope that a different path can lead to a different result. Hope that this could be a pivotal point. As I heard recently "The country doesn't need another Clinton, it needs another Lincoln"
Obama may not be up to that. But there's a chance. And that's what we need. Let's see if tomorrow brings it.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Flying visit
So Jude's mom flew in, shopped some and flew out --- on her way to Mexico for a vacation.
Much fun.
The clocks went forward - throwing my body clock into a 'where the hell am I and why is everyone else awake?' panic
Not much fun.
Lewis Hamilton is world champion (hurrah) - earning the points that he needed at the very last corner and giving hope to McCain and a lesson to us all in the process.
Sarah Palin got prank called... that was fun
Posing as French President Sarkozy the prankster tells Palin thatone of his favorite pastimes is hunting.
"I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," the fake Sarkozy says.
He proposes they go hunting together by helicopter, something he says he has never done.
"Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together while we're getting work done," Palin counters. "We can kill two birds with one stone that way."
Holy Schmoly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)