So my niece, Ella G, was born this morning... the first day of spring.
Weird to have a niece (my brother is 25, lives in box room in my parents’ house and has Middlesbrough FC bedspreads and wallpaper – so you can imagine just how weird his being a dad seems)
Of course if this was a soap opera someone would have to die – soaps always do births and deaths in the same episode, unless it’s a teen pregnancy in which case they do the hard assed mom / granny melting when she holds her 14 year old daughter’s baby. I know I don’t live in a soap but have looked both ways before crossing the road.
Anyway freshly flush from having paid off every credit card and medical bill with a combination of tax refunds, quarterly bonuses and Jude’s consultancy money I decided that every baby needs to know that life is full of good things – and headed off to Tiffany. I have to say that the ground floor was rather unimpressive, but the guy calling the floors in the elevator was just solemn enough and the bizarrely accented women in the baby section sucked up delightfully. Ten minutes, a couple of hundred bucks and a nice sit down after entering - baby Ella G was the proud owner of a classic silver Tiffany rattle. Blue box, white ribbon and all.
It’s odd to think that Jude and I are pretty certain not to have kids. First there’s the very real issue that I might be dead soon. An issue that people want to skirt, that they avoid by pointing out that I’m tolerating chemo well, looking much better and generally not acting like dead man walking. Statistically though the most likely ending to this little adventure is my dying sooner rather than later.
Of course I might live and then there’s the equally real chance of relapse – would I want to have a kid only to check out on them before they’re five – leaving Jude holding baby, a menagerie of animals and not very much money at all.
Then there’s the fact that neither of us is in the prime of youth, that chemo damages fertility and that we both rather like the ability to get up and do whatever we want without a thought (that’s called selfishness, isn’t it?)
The thing is, we really love the life we have. So maybe kids were never on the cards and this whole rant is nothing but melancholy.
I do hope that I get to meet little EG though. I want to tell her that despite everything she might see on the news and read in the newspapers the world is an amazing place just waiting for her exploration – that it’s full of sights, people and adventures yet to be discovered. I want to tell her that she’s unique and amazing and that the world is richer for her having entered it. And to let her know that she can be anything she wants to be, love anyone she wants to love and do anything that she wants to do. I just want to tell her that she has wings and that she needs to use them. I’d like to be around to help that happen.
Busy few days ahead on the disease front. PET scan tomorrow, CAT scan Thursday, Chemo Friday and Monday… Have started to lose the feeling in my finger tips – and to get the dry cough that I was told would start around chemo III. It’s sad just how closely I stick to ‘typical’ when it comes to side effects; still it’s proof that I’m not on the placebos (or is it?)
Enough of this, I’m knackered, the dog needs out and the Amazing Race is in Moscow.. time to get this ass into gear.
5 comments:
Hi Steve!
I was in London last weekend and my husband and I took a walk by your old house in Royal Victoria Dock! It was cold and grey (the weather, that is) but brought back fond memories of all the times I visited Judith and you there.
I read your blog regurarly and keep my fingers crossed for you. I really hope to come visit in New York one day in a not too distant future.
All the best to you, Judith and the pets! I'm the proud aunt of a giant poodle named Elsa, by the way.
/Annika in Stockholm
So my task for today is to invent a way to send you a hug from Australia. It will give me something to do with all the free time that comes from freelancing (read: living off boyfriend 'cos can't find a job that is more interesting than not working). I had a look at your site statistics. There would be great demand for this product as you have lots of visitors from outside of NY - Minnesota, Quinta Das Faias(Portugal), Delhi and Embleton, Hartlepool.
oh, and its true - Annika does visit very regularly!
annika - has it changed much, I haven't been back in years... and what were you doing 'down by the docks'
Quokka - I know EXACTLY what you would have been doing, you naughty freelancer you... have you been at the Chardonnay again, that first post is trippy
Walking from the Victoria Dock station was the same as I recall it, although they had added a roundabout where there used to be a...field? Lawn? Can't remember.
There was a pub in a boat, I think we went there with Judith's parents once so that can't be new. At the other end of the dock (along the rails) there were two chain hotels, Ibis or whatever, they looked new. I think there was an exhibition hall there also - it was called ExCeL, which we guessed was short for Exhibition Centre of London - but of course it could be anything! (At first we thought Microsoft had bought their own tube station for just one software program!)
I'm a bit ashamed to say I didn't recognise your house and couldn't remember the address. But the area looked the same. The big thing was the new DLR station that was just across the street (was that street even there eight years ago?) just outside of your "community".
What we were doing there... Well, my husband loves trains and wanted to sit in front of the DLR and pretend he was driving it :-) And I wanted a trip down memory lane...
Take care!
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